


Audentes Fortuna Iuvat, Commander

by ZoBerry



Series: Alio Tempore, Alio Vitae [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Code Vs Feelings, Eventual Romance, F/F, Friendship, Part 2, Romance, Slow Build, more characters as the chapters goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:00:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24218536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoBerry/pseuds/ZoBerry
Summary: A direct continuation of Carpe Diem, Justicar, spanning the timeline of the Reaper War------------------------------------------------------Audentes Fortuna Iuvatau̇-ˈden-ˌtās-fȯr-ˌtü-nä-ˈyu̇-ˌwät"Fortune favors the bold" / "Fortune favors the brave" / "Fortune favors the strong"------------------------------------------------------
Relationships: Female Shepard/Liara T'Soni, Samara/Female Shepard (Mass Effect)
Series: Alio Tempore, Alio Vitae [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737871
Comments: 14
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a going to have slower updates, but will definitely be longer than Carpe Diem - or something lol. 
> 
> I have plans for ending AU's down the line, so it all depends there.
> 
> This story is built much better - if I do say so myself, and I am very proud of this fic because unlike Carpe Diem which was full emotional writing just to write something - this one build itself properly.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy the ride :)

Shepard sat in front of her terminal, it had been exactly five months, twenty one days and sixteen hours since she first set foot on Earth. It was also roughly ten years since she last sat in the brig, and definitely not for as long as the sentence she was given now.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**Around Six Months Earlier** _

Shepard found herself in the newly renovated Shadow Broker room, in just the month or so where Liara took up the responsibilities of the Shadow Broke, Shepard had found herself in some sort of limbo as she ventured more like a vigilante than a soldier. There was no immediate threat of the collectors, or sign of the reapers, the geth have been behaving well according to Legion, the immediate threat were Cerberus, but they have been lucky so far. 

In fact everything seemed smooth sailing.

It unsettled her, more than it already did.

With the knowledge that Liara held, it was easy enough to float around the galaxy and do tasks that many would not have undergone; liberate a base, save a group of slaves, get more intel, the usual works. It also helped that ever since EDI was unshackled, they were able to avoid Cerberus at all costs. It wasn't the most glamorous of jobs, specially because it was very much above her talents - but at least it kept her busy. Busy enough not to fall into the the trap that her mind was becoming.

The lofty venture around the galaxy though still took a toll in resources and people. Before Shepard had assisted Liara with the Shadow Broker fiasco, most of her team and crew had already gone separate paths. Many had gone to their own different calling, Grunt went back to Tuchanka, while Kelly decided to stay in the colonies that have been attacked by the collectors so she could help more -effectively with the people, removing her ties from Cerberus. 

Unfortunately, that also meant her ship was as confused as a compass on a magnet. There was no direction, just survival, just waiting - hence why Shepard easily came back to Hagalaz. Ship wise, it was the only place they could port for long periods of time without any issues. On a more personal note, Liara was there. Liara had been a salve for the growing hole that once again wrapped around her heart.

Most recently Shepard had watched another of her beloved team member leave, the salarian scientist who had decided to drop port at Omega, saying he had unfinished business. If one looked around the sparse cruise, the only squad she had left were Miranda and Garrus, the only crew she had were Joker, technically EDI, and Piag, one of the Cerberus engineers, and Piag had only stayed because they haven’t dropped port where his colony was, if it would be one of their destinations, he would go - but while everything was in limbo, Piag said he didn’t want to lose the team more resources than what was necessary.

“It’s a good thing you had unshackled EDI, Shepard.” Shepard looked up and found Liara walking towards her, the Shadow Broker now finally able to remove herself from her crowning seat fronting the still flickering screens. “I heard from the Omega feeds that Doctor Solus had docked; with the Normandy housing so little now, at least the assistance of the EDI keeps the ship afloat.”

Shepard felt the sofa dip, Liara had seated beside her, pressing into her body and resting her crest on her shoulders. Automatically, Shepard found herself crossing her legs while letting her arm drape around the back of the seat, her fingers lightly brushing the asari’s shoulder as she let her own thoughts engulf her.

Liara’s statement received no response, as Shepard decided to switch the topic; “Any news for me?” the spectre asked, her eyes trained on the floor as her free hand rested on her lip.” 

As the days passed, Shepard found herself more and more withdrawn, the emptiness of her ship, once full of life, watching her friends come and go, dealing with a loss that this time was not premature - and yet she felt as if she would never see them again. Tali and Legion had both left towards the Perseus Veil, going back to their own worlds, and really it was only Garrus that was with her, but only because Garrus knew how to be alone and had been a vigilante all on his own for a while, but even he would be welcomed back to his homeworld without fanfare. Her though? The Alliance wouldn’t see her the same, not after Cerberus.

Her only respite became the Shadow Broker base, because for all intents and purposes, even if Liara could decide to go back to her homeworld or continue to dig prothean ruins, she was here, beside her - she was here, doing her own type of service to the galaxy, and Liara was the only person she could feel some sort of familiarity, sur Garrus would always be there, and he is just as special, but the turian is still different. 

The more she felt alone, the more she felt drawn towards the esteemed young doctor. It came gradual, day by day, call per call, and week by week. In the short expanse of a month or so, Liara had kept her company and continued on to be the bright, engaging asari she had first met. Although she could see and hear that the shadow broker switch would turn on, Liara would still look at her with a smile on her face, welcoming her.

But as much as Liara had been with her, Shepard knew that prolonging the inevitable would be disastrous. She had to break it off, even though technically, for her there was nothing - sure she felt… stirrings, she was only very much a human - but it wasn’t for her, not for Liara. 

Warm hands touched her own, the ones near her lips. “I do have something for you-” Liara smiled up at her, all doe eyed and in love. Shepard had to swallow hard, it would be easy to just give in after all. 

“Something good I hope.” Shepard said, giving a little grin as she tried to somehow give a little enthusiasm that she was getting.

Liara pulled both her hands now to stand up, and she was led to a terminal near the doorway. “I found a few… dossiers of your team and old friends, you might want to look at, I know you’ve missed them.”

Shepard couldn’t help but give a low laugh as she checked the terminal for names - all familiar, organized. “So you spied on them? Did you include yourself?” she asked, tilting herself towards the face that was already very near beside her. Big mistake, Liara’s cheek was so near hers that if she let out a breath no doubt the asari would feel it, even the little scales that decorated Liara’s face were obvious at their proximity.

Liara didn’t look at her, but the smirk she gave, gave away the fact that she found their proximity pleasing. “Yes and no, respectively. Yes because it’s my job now, no because I’m sure we’ll have all the time in the world to get to know each other better now, at least… unlike before -” the stammer in her voice had Shepard shake her head, finding humor in the situation that Liara could easily turn from a smirk to a stammer.

“Unlike before? You still look nervous, Doctor.” Shepard smirked this time, though the quirk of her lips did not meet her eyes. “Anyway… thanks for this, I… I’ll need a while if that’s okay? After this I’ll make us dinner and we can join the team?” 

The asari’s face was a sight to behold as from nervousness it dipped to pleasure, and then to dejection, then to excitement and back to disappointment. Honestly, Shepard didn't understand what that was about, but before she could ask, Liara had gave a crisp nod before turning on her heel to head back to her terminal.

With another sigh, Shepard dragged a hand to her hair and tousled it in frustration, it seemed that everything was going so well until it wasn’t and she knew somehow it was mostly her fault.  _ “Let’s see what we have here then.”  _ she thought before opening the terminal to check the dossiers she was gifted.

On the other side of the room, Liara had also found her voice straining as she talked to her agents, on one hand, she had one of the things she had coveted, Shepard. On the other hand, it seemed the commander still didn’t let herself be open to the fact that they could work together. Liara had time though, she knew she had time, no matter how long it would be, she was only 108 after all.

As usual, Shepard read the dossiers in almost the same way she talked to her team, - the last of them, would be of Samara. If she were honest with herself, she had kept coming back to the Shadow Broker base, also because Liara had let her see the little things she wouldn’t be able to see, a krogan punching Khalisa, a keeper wrecking a thug, the best bartender on Illium drinking to LIara’s picture… and maybe, just maybe she would find more info on the justicar that haunted her waking days.

When Samara had left the Normandy, it was of little fanfare, Shepard knew that the justicar would be leaving, after the collector ship there was nothing left but the oath. With that oath, Samara became the justicar again, body and soul, whatever trace of friendship they had, though she felt it linger, were thrown easily into the back burner for the sake of the code. Shepard had to control herself when Samara had said her goodbye, when Samara had stepped out of the Observatory, out of the Normandy, and out into the galaxy where she couldn’t follow, where she wasn’t able to follow. 

Remembering the scenario in her head didn’t help. Whenever Shepard found herself thinking of the matron asari, a part of her holds back, reigns it in and keeps it in a tiny box with a pretty bow - locked and sealed with the weight of 5000 sutras of code that Shepard knew would stay there even as she decomposed. 

It took a while for her to open the dossier, the pointer finding itself hovering limply above the name but when she did click, she didn’t think her heart could drop much more. The transmission of Samara to her two daughters in the Monastery made her flinch, if her motherly love could not protect their relationship to the will of the justicar to her code, there was no way she could win. Shepard slumped and skipped the transmission log, and moved ahead where she found the justicar’s old possessions, given up;

At first it all looked harmless, fun even, twenty outfits, three negligees, four dresses, and then it became sad, continuously so as the weight of her earlier words came back. Samara was never not going to be a justicar, and her immovable will of four hundred years might be too much for herself, even if Shepard could try to become the unstoppable object… she was only human, she would die first and stop before she could move the matron asari.

With a deep sigh, Shepard closed the terminal and sunk herself fully in her seat, she didn’t want to think anymore. 

Time passed and she didn’t expect how long she had already wasted. Her comm went off and it was Garrus’ voice who called her. “Shepard, the team is going to have dinner soon, are you and Liara coming? I thought it’s time for you to cook?” Shepard had to swallow again, Garrus… Garrus had still been acting kind, patient, funny even as if it were just old times, as if they weren’t lost - as if she wasn’t lost…

“Hey, sorry…” she croaked out “Liara found something… big and I’ll be... “ 

“Are you alright Shepard?” she heard him say, and she knew that his question both framed if she was having any trouble right in the ship, or if deep inside she was having trouble with her feelings. 

Shepard was tempted to come out and say no, but physically she shook her head. “I’m okay Garrus, uhm, why don’t you take the time off? Be back in a few days? Go have dinner somewhere nice, and then lunch too and -”

“We’re not going to leave the Normandy without its Captain, Commander.” Garrus said, his voice no less friendly though it carried a tone. 

Shepard nodded, although she knew Garrus couldn’t see her. “I know, I’m sorry Garrus.” 

A turian thrum found it’s way into her ears; “I’ll be here as much as I can Shepard, you know that, but whatever it is you’re feeling you have to let it go, I know it’s been a rough few weeks, I understand it’s different and… I’m sorry. I was going to say how much we’re the same now, acting like vigilantes, you never really asked for this… while I embraced it.” The line quieted, only the humming of both ships moving through their ears.

“I’ll be okay Garrus, I’ll see you tomorrow in the morning… or something. But hey, feel free to take control of the Normandy, if you want.” Her tone changed to faux light heartedness in the end, as she didn’t wait for the turian to reply as she cut the call, ending whatever else Garrus could say.

Shepard closed her eyes for a few seconds, trying to make her thoughts be as collected as possible, Garrus was right, she shouldn’t be this way, she was Commander Shepard after all, hero of the citadel, now she could even claim to be the hero of humanity, especially from the colonies given how the collectors decided to harvest them. But no, she didn’t feel that way, didn’t know how to feel that way again. 

It wasn’t until a body pressed into her back that she realized she had been so tense, without looking, she spoke. “Hey Liara.” she breathed out, trying to exhale the tension that was deep inside her. 

“I thought you’d be cooking?” Liara whispered, Shepard could feel the asari move away, and Shepard found herself moving backwards, looking for the contact. The contact came soon enough, in the form of soothing hands that massaged and moved against her shoulder blades. 

“They ate already.” She lied, wincing internally upon realizing that it seemed futile to lie to the Shadow Broker. 

The hands continued their soft kneading, soon the perfect sensation of untangling muscle knots were combined with a light hum, and Shepard found herself humming back.

“You know the song?” Liara asked, not stopping her ministrations.

Shepard nodded her head, lost in a little world where she just enjoyed the moment. “Not the song no… but you had that playing a few times, when you work… back when we first met, and you hum it off world too, especially when you found something that got your attention.” The massage stopped, and Shepard found herself opening her eyes to look back at the asari. “You okay?”

Liara found her brows furrowed, though a smile crept up her maiden face. “You noticed?” she asked, unaware that she had Shepard’s attention way before. 

“Hmmm yeah…” The commander shrugged, it wasn’t much of a big deal, it was the same when Wrex would stomp twice on his left and twice on his right before he lost his cool, or how Garrus usually also clicks his tongue as if ticking down the seconds before a kill. It was the little things she easily noticed and didn’t think it was out of the ordinary.

Not for Liara at least, the asari had always thought that Shepard was just that, the commander, of course she knew Shepard to be great, but she never thought Shepard would be observing such mannerisms that way. Liara felt undoubtedly flattered by the realization that even before, the spectre had noticed her more than what she assumed.

Their trail of thoughts were cut off as Shepard raised a hand to hold the asari's blue ones. “Liara?” she asked, a lump in her throat was forced back down as Shepard decided to take the first step into some sort of healing, the first step to shed down a bit of the weight she decided to hold on her own, a first step to maybe finding happiness in someone and meaning it...

“Yes, Shepard?” Liara asked, stopping her movement as she watched the commander stand up and look at her.

Shepard watched the delicate lines appear and disappear under the maiden’s face, studying her for the first time- trying to see the woman in front of her in a new light; how her fingers worried slightly before fulling relaxing on her sides, how the tilt in her head was just the perfect angle to melt someone’s heart with her purity. How she knew first hand that the asari in front of her could still flay minds despite it - and with a doctorate no less and only 108...

To move on, means to take a step forward, and step she did.

“Why don’t we have dinner together?”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Their dinner did not push through, much to their disappointment. To Liara it seemed like a cruel joke, to Shepard, it was business as usual. When Shepard found out who was waiting for her on the terminal, she quickly looked at the door, then back at Liara who now looked away like a betrayed puppy. Biting her lip, Shepard took the asari’s hand in her own. “Rain check?” she asked, willing to give Liara a few seconds at least, she watched how the asari had to sigh and shake her head, as if clearing it out of any thoughts. The face that looked back at her did not hold any grudges, yet her eyes were yearning - an emotion Shepard herself knew too well. With nothing else to do, Shepard squeezed the asari’s hands, a sorry on her lips. When Liara moved to face her and take her hands away, Shepard pulled it back, and for one terse second, Shepard decided to continue the step forward.

Without anytime to waste, Shepard hurried back to her station in the Normandy, you don’t keep top brass waiting, especially when being in the military was in ones blood, most especially when the one waiting for her was none other than Admiral Steven Hackett.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in the Broker Ship, Liara stood still on the spot where Shepard had left her, a hand on her cheek where warm human lips lingered - and a smile on her face with a fluttering hope for a better tomorrow.


	2. The First Three Months

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first three months of Shepard's life in the brig. It had been such a long time since she has last stayed long on Earth... much more that she couldn't even remember being so alone in such a long period of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to believe there had been more interactions in the brig with Shepard and James, same with how emotions play out for that long, she did get detained for 6 months. This tackles the first three of six months and plays on negative tones since technically the commander is alone.
> 
> I researched a little bit of what happens in a military brig, and although the usual is there, the examples I see don't really amount to as much as six months - so I took a bit of liberty with how futuristic life is, how high up Shepard is, other stuff explained in the story + well, in the start of ME3, Shepard has a big bed, their own terminal/coffee maker etc, doesn't really seem that low-tier- brig life after all XD
> 
> Also because people can visit in the brig-- but the Virmire survivor never does, and most of the Cerberus/Alliance probably aren't allowed too. Chakwas doesn't have seemed to visit (maybe), and most of Shep's peeps are aliens so yeah... very lonely if you look at it.
> 
> BIG NOTE: Shepard's canon name is mentioned here 'once' I don't usually like putting it or any name, but it goes well for this line.

Shepard woke in a cold sweat, another nightmare, a flash of light, the spaces burning... then violent, terrified screaming echoes. Her eyes darted open as she stared on the ceiling above her, slowly she remembered where she was, the cool sheets on her body, the soft light that came from the window, the shuffling sounds that moved in the outside corridors. 

This night was no different, even though it had been a while since the fateful day her hands were stained with more than enough innocent blood.

As Shepard stared at the ceiling of her cell, she wondered if it were possible to add a few glow in the dark stars. She was on Earth after all, it wouldn’t be that hard to find her something to remind her of her real home. The room she was in was barren apart from the view the window gave and the bed and pillows she had, wherein back in the Normandy… everything felt like home... even if she had to sleep in a sleeping bag in the cargo hold.

She turned to her side, hugging the extra pillow beside her and wrapping her body in a fetal position. She missed the noise of the AI core, the bubbling of the aquarium, the squeak of her hamster, the little vibrations from a floor below where Miranda was, the hum and life of the ship and it's people... There was none of that here in her little cell, at most it would be the humans walking along the corridors, nothing more, nothing less.

The moon’s light from outside continued to shine inside her cell as she found herself lost in her thoughts, the previous days in Hagalaz and her recent trip to the Batarian system feeling like years have passed. The Normandy, would have been locked and towed, Joker would no doubt do his best to be able to stay within the ship’s reach. It was much of his to fly as it was hers to command. Her thoughts drifted off to Edi, what the alliance would do to the AI since she was technically unshackled and was still from Cerberus. Garrus - Chakwas - Piag, Miranda… she hoped the two Cerberus personnel were able to get away before they were visited by Admiral Hackett. 

Shepard shifted again, turning on the other side before acknowledging she couldn’t sleep. She turned her attention towards the large windows that showed her how Earth looked like, the buildings that jutted out were all so futuristic, and she couldn’t help but think that humanity had come such a long way from their first space flight. In the span of 225 years, humanity had just first shot a shuttle into space and now? Now they were mingling with aliens and developing at a speed greater than any species. 

Quietly, Shepard let her mind wander to the photos of old, to think that in only ten generations, the infrastructure had greatly changed, though cars were common back then, horses and wagons were still used by the rural areas, and now everyone and their donkey had access to flying cars and VI’s that helped automated their workload. It was a sight to behold.

Now that she was looking outside to Vancouver she could only hope that Earth will be able to withstand the devastation that was to happen if humanity didn’t act on the warning on hand. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She should have been happy to be back on Earth, back in familiar ground - though she was usually the one not in the cell. But the sense of foreboding was obvious, as was her nightly jitters that continued. Even her bodyguard, James Vega had taken into account the state of her face when she would wake up.

This morning was no different, she was already up before the first light even came to peek into the Vancouver sky, but Shepard’s eyes were dark and sunken, sleepless nights weren’t a good friend. Wherein back then she had a camaraderie with the people who had her back as she had theirs, here she was almost back to nothing, not even a hamster, not even a fish. 

Her life had certainly jumped through hell this time around, it drove her almost crazy. First, she was hailed as a spectre, then she had to be the lucky duckling to be bound to a prothean beacon, then she gained friends while also losing the first life she had saved during her time as the Normandy SR1’s XO, she became a spectre - the first human spectre then - although to make her work count for her, she had to kill one of the more decorated spectres, killed her dear friends mom, an asari matriarch, saved alien races such as the asari with the Destiny Ascension and even the rachni, but fail her own race at the death of thousands of humans during the battle in the citadel. All that in a year.

Soon enough before the year even ended, a myth turned reality came, the collectors - her team, Pressly, the other crew members, the last time she had truly seen Liara and Joker, the view of the planet outside the broken CIC roof... and then she died, was brain dead, brought back to life by an unlikely organization, found herself been dead for two years, leaning that not only did the council heed nothing of her warnings, the Alliance too, and now that she sailed with Cerberus colors, nothing helped, no one helped. Even if Cerberus understood the threat, in the end, Shepard knew that Cerberus wouldn't be the one to help the galaxy. Despite the few notable people who were with the Alliance, who were cordial with her, like Anderson, or friendly even, like Chakwas, they were few and far between. To the world, and even to the council, she was rogue and only a spectre by name, anything that she did with Cerberus and their colors, despite how much she didn’t like the organization mattered little into the plan of things.

Now, back in Earth… she had no choice. When she did the favor for Hackett regarding Amanda Kenson, everything changed, the Reapers were now sure to come, and even though all the events on that asteroid felt like a giant nightmare, the threat of it was real, the reapers were at the fringes of their space, and once they entered - it will be catastrophic. 

She didn’t want to be here, in the brig, but there was no choice, the council wasn’t going to sponsor her, her heroics in the Terminus systems were nothing for the Citadel space, working with a terrorist group wasn’t also going to cut it - even for spectres who had their own rules above the common law. Plus there was the big problem again, the batarians- Hackett’s leeway of 36 hours before she turned herself in was something she appreciated, it would give time for the rest of the crew to hide, namely the few Cerberus ones, and then she would accompany the admiral back to Earth. It was right, it was the only reason the batarians weren’t out for blood immediately, any action that could constitute a galactic war could only weaken them.

In the end, it all weakened her, her resolve, her mind, her composure. In less than three years - not counting the fact she was dead - so many events had happened. Events that she hoped was for the better... looking at it now, in her little cell back in Earth, it felt like it was all for nothing.

 _“Welcome home, Jane.”_ She whispered to her pillow.

In a few hours, another dawn awaits.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been a month since she had stayed in the brig, now everyone in the building knew she was there- it wasn’t just any rumor anymore. Not especially since she had served her first month in constant surveillance and becoming no more than the usual private doing a job that was way below her pay grade. Still, she was happy for the chance to keep her body busy even though her mind wandered. 

The lieutenant that guarded her was a good kid, proper, and gave her the respect that she would deserve if she weren’t in the brig. Still, it was enough to at least give her privacy from everyone else who would try and get to see her - meaning James was always one step ahead, making sure that nobody would bother her for anything unimportant.

“Commander,” James greeted her when he opened her cell.

James had been watching the revered commander for a while now, and although the span of a month wasn’t enough, he could see that the commander he did revere wasn’t the same person he was guarding. Back then he had his own unit and was given advise and commendation by none other than Admiral Hackett and Major Anderson themselves, telling him that he shouldn’t be too much like Shepard, the Shepard who despite all odds that contributed to the greater good was met with excessive death and destruction. Maybe in the short time that he did have a squad, and lost them - is what this woman beside him was feeling. Still, it wasn’t his place to ask. Not now at least.

“You don’t really have to call me that, James, it wouldn’t sound right.” Shepard finally said, letting the Lieutenant hear her voice of reason about it. “Shepard is fine, but as I’m under lock and key I shouldn’t really be given that title.” She gave him a meek smile before walking onward to personal training, it would be her first day of finally being able to exert more effort to her body than just mopping up floors or picking up leftover plates. 

“Ready for PT?” James asked, walking side by side with the redhead. Shepard appreciated the little talks, though normally she wouldn’t be in much mood about it, James had been a good kid to be around with at the first couple of weeks. A good guard and now a new schedule did wonders to make her day seem better already. 

“Been ready since I got here, do you know if they’ll allow me to train my biotics?” she asked, knowing that there was a different schedule for biotics that was more sensitive compared to the usual physical and tech. The shaking of the lieutenants face dampened her mood but his words after was enough to make her feel a little bit better.

“Not for you no, but it’s because Captain Anderson needed to request the asari a few of their people to guard you. Your talent being a vanguard is pretty kick-ass comman- I mean Shepard, and the committee didn’t want to take any precautions.”

“That seems a little excessive, I’m not going to go and charge through walls here anyway.” Shepard commented, feeling a bit put off that humanity seemed to treat her as if she were a bomb to go off, especially since she surrendered herself for the sake of goodwill.

James kept himself quiet, to the lieutenant, he understood what Shepard must have felt, he was a soldier too, but he understood the committee as well. As far as anyone was concerned Shepard was a few things, a hero, dead, and was revived under Cerberus, even though Cerberus was technically pro-humanity, it was a delicate line to cross- and after everything that happened so far, humanity was just trying their best to fight the unknown.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two more weeks passed, Apart from guarding Shepard, James found it fruitful to train with the spectre while they lifted weights. “You’ve always lifted heavy Shepard? You don’t seem like the type.” he commented as he watched the biotic raise her weight limit on more than one occasion. 

Shepard wiped the sweat that was beginning to bead on her brow. “I honestly don’t remember, the last time I ever did any strength exercises like this was uh… before I left Earth.” Suddenly Shepard remembered it had been that long since she landed back in Earth for any more than a few days, it was before the Skyllian Blitz, she was 22 at that time. “I guess that would be around… 2153? Or 2154, haven’t really picked up any weights for the sake of working out. But you’re right, I’ve not noticed it but I guess it’s because i’ve been technically on the field for years, getting stronger, add the biotics.” she shrugged moving to the pull up bar and setting a gravity field to a stronger x4 of Earths.

“And the Cerberus implants?” James inquired, watching as Shepard lifted herself a few times with ease. It was in one of the Alliance files that he had read, that the reason Shepard was even alive today was because Cerberus, the terrorist group had used their tech to piece her back together. It sounded crazy, and expensive, and maybe it was. The medical records showed that there was a lot of cybernetics in the commander, but she was still Shepard, nothing had changed. Not a copy, just literally revived and lost two years of her life.

Mid way through the rep, Shepard quieted as she thought about what James was letting on, sure she knew that Cerberus had rebuilt her to the best of their abilities- and even though technically she had no other information apart from her body being in the best armor at that time-and that apart from her brain, most of her body was technically mush in an armor being cryo’d by Alchera’s cold atmosphere. 

She had never really asked Miranda to what extent she was - though the prodigy did reassure her that she was very much the Shepard everyone knew because her brain was brought back and that Shepard had nothing else she needed to worry about. It made her wonder if Miranda was just saying that to make her feel better and to let her forget about the issue at hand. 

“Uh… commander?” James asked, trying to get Shepard out of her thoughts.

“Yeah?” Shepard replied, absentmindedly lowering herself from the bar and lifting again.

“You just stayed up there for a solid minute and a half without your muscles even trembling.” James replied, moving to check that Shepard did indeed beat what the average soldier could do.

Shepard found herself unable to reply as she let go of the bar and left, more questions in her head than answers. James was right then, she was stronger, though she admits it was probably weird seeing her actions limited to specified areas compared to an overall battle. 

“More than the average biotic without using their biotics I’m sure, but most guys like you could probably do better.” Shepard shrugged, she didn’t really want to add about her cybernetics more than usual, she had noticed it many times before when she would do something for the sake of duty that stressed her out - whether it be being ruthless against an enemy or intimidating a friend to back down - she could feel her cybernetics pulse and react, once or twice she was sure her face seemed cracked and her eyes would glow. Still, it was something she didn’t want to add her thoughts - maybe when she could see Miranda again - they were both on familiar enough terms to be open with each other anyway.

James nodded - not really believing himself - “Sure guys like me could do better, but you’re a biotic and that was definitely more than just average.” 

Rather than try and prove James wrong, Shepard shook her head, a teasing smile on her lips. “Don’t worry James, I’ll try not to beat your record and leave you in the dust.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Less than three months in the brig of being the nice kid got Shepard move to better quarters, and adding reassurances from Hackett, Anderson and even Udina to the committee definitely eased the process. She might not have been given reprieve of a lower sentence, but all the/ commodities were at least better. Her room was now on the higher level detention cells, which were basically premier detention rooms compared to the cramped quarters for the usual marines. Her new room even had a terminal, a bookshelf, it’s very own water dispenser and microwave. 

She still didn’t have her glow in the dark stars though. Maybe next month.

Shepard sat by the terminal, playing a mindless game of classic pinball as she waited for the detention bell to sound, then James would be by her door, like clockwork and they would continue on with their daily life in the brig. 

Exactly thirty three minutes later, the bell sounded, and within a five second count her door opened and James was there. “Ola Shepard” he greeted as always. 

“Ola to you too James, duerma bien?” (sleep well?) She greeted the lieutenant; she had asked him to teach her a few words, and although it was mostly for fun, it did help with their camaraderie and to pass the time.

“Ha, I’m sure you slept better, you have better quarters than me now.” James chuckled, taking in a look of the premier detention cell. “Never really been here before, but at least it suits you better - not that you being in detention is a good thing.” 

Shepard waved her hand, “It’s okay James, is our schedule still the same?”

The lieutenant hummed, “Not exactly, lot’s of differences, just got it on email today, I’ll run you through it at breakfast.” He nodded for them to move out, Shepard walking again a step behind him as they reached the mess hall. 

“Alright, hit me with it.” Shepard said as she sat fronting James in one of the less crowded tables.

“Okay so-” James opened his omnitool, leaving Shepard moving her forearm slightly, missing the ease of access she had in the world - but at least she had a terminal in her room now, despite it technically being locked and every second of it under surveillance.

“We have you at biotic training today just like normal then you have a three hour class, next would be lunch and… you’re free for the day.”

“That… is a lot less than what we did the first few months, perks of premier detention?” 

“Guess so. You’ll be trading your labor with sharing intel to the recruits, at least you’ll be right at home with marching orders. Anyway, I'll forward to your terminal the sched for the month so you’ll be able check it for yourself.”

Shepard continued on to her meal, her thoughts drifting again to the life she was given, it seemed the three months in the brig were both turning into a blessing and a curse, a blessing since she wasn’t going to mop floors anymore, and a curse because now she had more time on her own.

It was a dilemma that stayed with her until the end of the day when the bell rang and all detainees must get back to their rooms. Apart from the obvious emptiness of the space of her bigger room, there weren’t any one else in the detainee rooms beside her, the corridor was also farther away, making her quiet little place all the more quiet. She sat on the side of the bed, staring into nothingness as she remembered snippets of her time in the Normandy, trying to get in between Joker and Edi, calming Miranda down, listening to Zaeed’s stories, singing with Mordin, making fun of Garrus - talking with Samara… 

“Samara…” she breathed, tasting the words again, a name that had not escaped her tongue since the day it’s owner left the frigate. 

“Hey Samara…” she voiced again, a cock in her smile, a tilt of her head, thinking of the time she would say those words in greeting... but now... knowing that there was no one who was going to respond to it.

With a sigh, Shepard moved to the floor at the foot of the bed, there she was given access to the entirety of the window, her angle on the floor seeing the stars in the sky, it wasn’t exactly the best view, given that the tops of the Vancouver skyline were prominently pointing, but it was enough.

Tonight, she would meditate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope I put enough points to consider here for Shepard's feelings of negativity and being down, and to wrap up a few possible plot holes. 
> 
> With these info here on getting to know Shepard more, I believe this story would be pretty long(er) than the one before, more plots to work with - and hopefully a better story!


	3. Is Solitude All There Is?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the days leading up to present time, we see how our beloved Justicar is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In here we try to break down Samara a little more, I love how she is true to her code, but we know how much Shepard and the whole ME2 has changed her. Another one I've headcanon'd is that Mirala / Morinth was Samara's reason become a justicar (can be seen from the shadow broker dossier), and now after four hundred and thirty + years, Morinth is dead, what else could be there for a ruined vessel of sorrow and regret?

“We shall be docking at Hyetiana, Justicar." The ship's captain welcomed their extra member who was asking for passage. "It will take us around one week to pick up supplies and the researchers, if you are in need of another ride out of the planet, we’ll keep in touch.” Captain Parrhea gave the justicar the coordinates of where their ship would dock. 

“Thank you captain, I shall keep this in mind.” The justicar bowed her head in thanks, an act mirrored by the captain as she was addressed once again.

“We’ve heard that justicars prefer their privacy, the third floor deck has the room where our researcher pick ups will be staying, I’ll have the crew fix you up there.” 

The justicar once again nodded, affirming her thanks as he was quickly brought to the room. 

When the door closed, Samara moved to look at the room inconspicuously. There was only one surveillance camera. With deliberate movements, Samara walked into the empty space of the room and turned her back to the camera as she sat on the floor, moving to start her meditation.

It had been a total of seventeen weeks since she had departed from the Normandy and assumed her role as a justicar, quickly finding herself clinically finishing off foes and finding information with precision just as before. Back then, though the days were haunted by her lost daughter- she had never wavered from her duty as a justicar, both trying to pin Morinth down as well as travel around the galaxy righting wrongs. Fighting the battles of the populace versus the unjust. It was like clockwork, years of training distilled in her, much more clearer now that her daughter - Morinth was gone.

At least, it was such for a while. 

When it was time for Samara to travel outside of Thessia to once more fight greater foes in the asari system, she had found herself in need of a ship, and although there was no scarcity of asari ships to join in, she found herself sorely… _feeling_. Wherein feeling itself was something she had not indulged in for a long time - at least not alone.

The very first time she had climbed aboard the asari ship, Aydinlik, she was greeted in a way that she had always remembered. With reverence, respect, awe and fear.

The captain and crew had greeted her in such a way that made her feel older than the matriarchs, it had her _ feeling _ … she never thought she would miss the company of those that she had been with for such little time, never thought that she would miss the company of a ship whose first look at her was one of reverence- but also hostility, as it was obvious that there were more than enough eyes in the Normandy that viewed her as a careful threat, but it did not hold the same reverence and fear the asari had, it held something more, something human. It caused the same feeling when said eyes slowly turned from fear and hostility to one of pure unadulterated welcome. From where a crew man would look at her with suspicion, she would learn  _ of him _ , to become known to her as the Mess Sergeant and be greeted with Ser Gardner’s beaming smile and wonderfully cooked meals. 

The same went with those of the different beings she were with, the drell, the krogan, the turian and the salarian - beings that she normally did not give a second thought of - became a big part of her, in such a small time, a year, a year that felt like it trumped many other years in her almost seven hundred years of living.

Was it because she had been roped herself into an oath of subsumation to where nothing mattered but following into a possible death at the hands of a great evil? Unsure… she knew foolishly back then that they would win, because she would not have let herself die before Morinth was captured. 

Was it because she had found it freeing to be released from Morinth’s haunting? No… she recalled Kenneth Donnelly and Gabriella Daniels quickly integrating her knowledge with a professional stance- before turning into playful banter - one that already included her, and it was only within the first week of her integration in the ship.

Was it because she had never traveled in a ship where there were so many others different from her and yet similar? Maybe... those who were led under  _ her _ banner were those of strong personalities, all willing to fight and die and win for what they believed in. 

Although she could fault them - such as the salarian’s cause of genophage, or the one of the human’s impulsive act that caused innocent workers to almost die of a raging fire - it was maybe because she had respected them, as individuals, fought with them, became friends with them, had _feelings_ and opened up with them… Although she could fault them- at any time after her release from the oath, she could have spared  _ her _ and dealt with the others. But when she stepped out of the frigate that she had called home, her mind did not think of those in the Normandy, her mind - no less of a justicar jumped back into Thessian soil and continued its role there. Effectively locking her feelings away.

A justicar. A role that only needed her body and abilities. A role that did not require curiosity or  _ feelings _ .

A role that almost ceased to exist at times…  _ because of her.  _

“Shepard” she whispered, inaudible to anyone except for her. A whisper greatly overpowered by the biotic meditation she enveloped herself with. And for the faintest moment, like a muscle memory, a reaction, a moment that now haunted every ship she was in and for every meditation she undertook. 

She could hear  _ her _ call back.

_ “Hey Samara” _

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

When she had landed in Hyetiana she was quickly given assistance by the planetside asari, given that Hyetiana was frigid and almost merciless in its climate. Samara took the offered thermal coat as she was hurried in one of the bunkers where she would be staying. 

“We will take our leave, Justicar,” Captain Parhhea said “our invitation is still open - and by the way, I heard you were looking for a slaver ship? Our scanners picked up a non-asari ship a few clicks away from the main labs. Don’t know if it well help, but here - i’ll pass you the coordinates.”

“You have my thanks once again Captain.” The justicar said, as stoic as always. For a moment it looked like the captain wanted to say more, but decided against it as she turned and left. 

Samara quickly checked her omnitool for the location of the said ship, with the weather that the area was in, she would be able to get there within a few hours before she loses what little sun there was left. 

When it came to fighting, Samara usually worked with the skill of an infiltrator and the wrath of a biotic. Working alone meant she needed the advantage against what are many enemies all at once, and she was good at it, she excelled at it, as if it was her lifeline. But now, looking at the no less than one and a half dozen mercenaries in front of her - she found herself relishing… missing…  _ feeling  _ the fights that she had with other people. 

People of the same mind, different kinds. 

People like you…  _ Shepard. _

Although her biotics had never failed her, Samara found it useful to keep a gun on hand at all times, a gun that was given to her by none other than  _ her. _ After all, why would a known justicar carry a gun made by humanity? Still, the M-5 Phalanx did it’s job, better than most guns could. She could technically hit a pull and throw with one hand and successfully fire on the unsuspecting enemies with the pistol. It helped greatly when battling in tighter spaces, as it was less messy than using assault rifles and accidentally hitting innocents with her biotics.

The battle had ended far easier that she had anticipated. Although the mercenaries seemed to ask for forgiveness all while drawing their guns, they did not seem to be fit for the job, the whole event was lackluster.

“Thank you, thank you so much - you don’t know -.” A maiden, no older than fifty years of age was bowing her head towards her. Surrounding them were also maidens, all less than half a century in age. Behind them were a group of the dead mercenaries, a mix of turian and vorcha who before certain death, swore that they were only transporters and their boss, though they did now know the name; their boss was an asari as well. Unfortunately for the aliens, they had drawn their weapons at her, their only mercy would then be death.

Clear grey eyes looked at the bowing maiden, “Thanks are not needed, it is my duty after all. Tell me, young one, how did you come to be in this ship?” The justicar moved to the cockpit, trader ships usually used the same interface as the ship itself with regards to call logs and transmissions, there she could find a way to link this transport to the real suspect. 

“Honestly, I barely remember, we were taken from the colonies, I myself hail from Cyone, I am Elana T’Nela.-” The maiden found herself losing her train of thought as the worry lines in her gaunt face deepened. 

“Cyone? From the Kypladon system?” Samara asked, her face unchanging as she found the controls needed to engage the system’s computers. 

“Yes! But we’ve been travelling for so long, I don’t even know how--”

The justicar momentarily stopped as she heard what the maiden said. Cyone was just one system away from Hyetiana, with that alone it wouldn't take more than a day, even on slower ships. “How long have you been travelling?”

“No less than five months.”

“Five months? That is a little too long to be kept by slavers.” It seemed like there was more to this slaver deal that she had initially thought.

“It is… I - all I know is that we’ve been jumping through the mass relays many times, if any of us dare ask - well… let us just say that we were no less than three dozen when we started this trip..” The asari worried her lip, “I’m sorry it’s not much help.”

Samara turned to the group of maidens behind her, although they did not seem worse for wear apart from being slightly fatigued and hungry, it was obvious that there were no more than two dozen asari in the ship. That was a curious thought indeed, if these slavers were transporting them, it would be a big cut in profits to kill their cargo. 

“Do you have any idea to whom you will be brought to?” 

“I’m not sure, but they did say we were going to be passed down to a group of collectors.”

“Collectors?” Samara repeated, a worry finally showing through her face at the realization. “I believe that they were to sell you the The Collectors… a race whose purpose is to defile what we are and turn us into monsters. But they have been vanquished not long ago… that is why you must have been travelling for so long. These men have been left directionless.” 

A loud click of heel on metal got her attention. With swift movements, a familiar armored asari was at the door of the the ship, a biotic pull was thrown and the maiden she had been conversing with was instantly pulled into the arms of the newcomer.  “Well, well - so you’re  _ the famous Justicar _ ” the newcomer drawled. “The one who defeated the collectors with the human fad of a spectre.” 

Face betrayed by no surprise or emotion, Samara stood up from the cockpit chair turning to face the newcomer as her biotics flared to life. 

Instantly, the newcomer raised her own gun to the temple of the maiden, Elana. “One wrong move justicar and I blow this pretty one’s brains out. I’m sure your code won’t let you harm me now.” The sneer was apparent, this asari was someone who was dangerous and cunning, the worst kind of fiends who truly deserved the wrath of the justicar in the first place. 

The maidens in the ship had shuffled farther, some even stumbling backwards onto each other in fear. “Mistress we-” Again that got the justicar’s attention.

“I did not think Captains use the term Mistress on their ships… Captain Parrhea.” she said coldly. It seemed her lackluster mission was turning into anything but.

The maiden once again spoke, one daring to come forward, knees on the floor as she tried to shuffle towards the captor. “Mistress! We are glad you’ve come! We’ve been going around in circles without your guidance - the -” A quick boot to the maiden’s face was the only answer Parrhea gave. Samara’s heart flinched despite her stoic demeanor.

“Come near me again and I’ll put a bullet in your mouth. You understand me? Fucking monsters.” Parrhea spat the words out causing the kneeling asari to whimper and flinch as t ears welled up in the hey eyes before quickly bowing, apologizing, before shuffling away. If the maiden held adoration, she was sorely mistaken.

“You are a monster,” Samara spoke, her biotics cooling down lest more innocents get hurt, she needed time, time and a way to turn this to her advantage. “To sell your own kind to the monsters of the galaxy.”

“Huh funny, you’re not that smart justicar, I’m not the only monster here. You’d be just as much of a monster as these maidans are if you knew about them. Hey… I’m a monster sure, but I was just giving them a quick death - I heard the collectors were swift in their mercy. And why not? Asari can mate with other species and pop out little blue nuggets like krogans. There’s more than enough asari anywhere in the galaxy, a few ones lower than dirt wouldn’t mean anything. Besides, at least they got to view the galaxy, that’s what maiden’s like to do right?” Parrhea went on, a message fit for the villains of the stories. Samara watched as the biotic stassis tightened on Parrhea’s captive for every impassioned point she was making, it was obvious that the stassis was placed exactly at Elana’s throat as it constricted and she fought. “But anyway, why don’t you go along your little way out of this ship justicar? You’ve got what you came for, the slavers are dead, and I get my prize back. The economics of the world doesn't’ stop for heroics after all.” 

“What do you mean, that they are monsters?” Samara asked, a true curiosity forming in her brow at the additional information that was thrown her way. She did not expect such moral difficulty once she had decided to pursue this certain slaver ship.

“Oh, you really didn’t know. How fun. So let me spell it for you - these maiden’s are --”

Parrhea was not able to finish her sentence as beside her was Elana, choking on the biotic strangulation, Samara was only able to watch the quick events when Elana’s eyes turned black - possibly due to the lack of oxygen. In slow motion, the maiden turned towards Parrhea, a whisper, chilling and alluring like death’s door moved through the ship as the spoken words also chilled Samara’s bones.

“Embrace eternity--”

A shrill scream came from the voice of the kneeling asari at the loss of her mistress - In an instant, Samara became acutely aware just how many monsters there actually were in the room.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You are ardat-yakshi.” Her voice held no condemnation though she could see the physical wince of the earlier worried maiden that had conversed with her. The only worse thing to be called if not an ardat-yakshi was being pureblood and for an ardat yakshi, it was because they were pureblood. A pain that children had to suffer for their parent’s hubris.

“We are all ardat-yakshi.” Elana replied, her voice no higher than a mouse, her head hurt, as if there was an amazing amount of intoxication that pumped through her system, overloading her nerves. She couldn’t remember what happened, only that earlier she was being strangled, tight, and her body had started to let go when she heard a voice that was both hers and not.

Samara knew that the collectors had their odd requests, a dozen of left handed salarians, twenty krogans with a missing heart at birth - finding ardat yakshi were no different. But this time, her dilemma had now grown tenfold. With her on a ship were no less than two dozen ardat yakshi all in mixed emotions of guilt and terror.

The justicar continued to look at the group, a debate in her head on what to do next. “Please do not attempt escape, I shall be forced to hunt you down and kill you if you will.”

“Aren’t you going to kill us either way?” One of the maiden’s at the back asked. “We will fight back.”

Another maiden piped up, putting her weight above the other who just spoke. “Don’t be stupid Mea! We barely know how to use our biotics and the justicar just disposed of the mercs, did you forget?”

“Justicar-” a familiar voice arose from the group, the maiden who had called Parrhea ‘mistress’ moved to the front of the group, addressing her. “Kill me I have no more reason to live now that my mistress is gone.”

The maiden fought back from the hands that tried to calm her, “I heard her, while these mercenaries hurt us and threatened us, she was the comforting voice above all. ‘Keep them safe, keep them clean, keep them pure’ she would say from the comms. I know! I heard her! She only wanted us to be unsullied but they- they-”

A stern eye turned towards the maidens, now tittering, more on edge than before. If this was going to continue those she was to save were going to be met with justice. For the first time in her life out of a justicar and out of the code, she felt pity. The length of their capture was too long, a maiden had now found herself with a form of stockholm's syndrome, there was still the problem of being ardat yakshi - truly a dilemma one after the other.

“Have any of you melded?” The justicar asked, her face betraying no emotion as she tried to work her way to a peaceful solution.

Most of the asari had nodded their heads, 'once' they say - while a handful shook their heads no, only that they were tested and were found out as so.

Elana, the maiden beside her held her head with a groan before turning her attention back to her. “She was my fourth… My first two melds were on my mother and my sister, it was all an accident. My mother. when someone had bullied me and she wanted to share in the pain, my sister because our loving father did not tell me that I was not supposed to meld with another, and that my mother died not because of me.” Samara could hear the strain in the maiden’s voice, loss and fear had affected her greatly. “My third was a partner, I had been with her for a good part of two decades, it might seem very young of me but we had been together for so long, learned about each other, loved each other. We thought we could make it, travel the galaxy, be free. It didn’t work out. I realized then it was my fault, for the deaths. My own reason for living to be a curse.”

“And do you find yourself addicted to this melding?” Samara asked, caution in her tone.

“No. No. I -- what happened earlier, I didn’t plan for it - I don’t think any of us want this curse - if we truly wanted to cause harm to be free, we could have done the same to our captors. But we did not. I - what happened was an accident. Believe me.” 

The justicar nodded her head, “My code compels me to harsh action, but I understand that a life is still a life. For this, I can only offer you passage to Lessus, it is where the asari stay when they are diagnosed as such.”

A few heads perked up, voices were heard;

“Lessus, but isn’t that where?”

“What about our families?”

“Isn’t that just the same as isolation?”

“Isn’t there another way?”

Questions bombarded her, an echo of the past where she was once asked very similar questions. It had been centuries ago. How fitting it was to be met again with such questions when she had mistakenly believed she was free.

“Lessus is a home to the ardat yakshi, I understand you know why you are not allowed to meld with others, it is dangerous and can be intoxicating. I am to bring you there for if not, I shall be compelled to kill all of you for resisting. Such is the code I have.” Samara raised a hand when another maiden moved to speak. “I know not of what happens in the monastery, but I have been there a few times and there are others who will be able to guide you, maybe even befriend you. The only other comfort I can give you is that I will personally see to it that your families know where you are. It is your choice.”

“So you would kill us, for something we did not ask for?” a spiteful barb was thrown her way, a trembling maiden, for either in frustration or anger their body thrummed small wisps of biotics flared from her body.

“I have killed your kind before, a dangerous one who had been addicted to the power, leaving four hundred years of deaths in her wake. You are all young, I am giving you a choice, one that a justicar does not give so willingly. In this case, you are all still innocents.”

The spiteful maiden quieted as murmur of approval came from the group. Elana was now standing up again, looking no worse than earlier as she soothed her dress and calmly looked her in the eye. “I’m not sure you can trust all of us, or even me, after what happened. But allow me to help you, I’ll keep them in line here until we can find a way to get off this island and to Lessus.” 

Samara looked back at the maiden, she raised her mental barriers to be able to discern if one would be trying to meld with her. Though normally it takes consent of both parties to meld, a strong enough asari, both in skill or in danger could find cracks and enter in one's consciousness. Elana had been nothing if not helpful, albeit fearful during their short interaction, and although she knew she should be concerned given the amount of melding the maiden had undergone, her eyes showed no thought to scheme against her.

The justicar nodded. “I shall take your assistance then, Elana - but have no fear, I am able to fly this ship by myself.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It will be a few more hours until they reach Lessus. 

The journey was quiet, a few murmurs of well wishing and camaraderie that formed within the captured asari was obvious as the only other noise were the humming of the ship. She could hear a few giggles, then a gasp, soon one hum, then the group started to sing. Samara let herself wonder - a dangerous idea really - to what more of the life did the ardat-yakshi have. In the monastery of old that housed them in a dangerous almost inhospitable garden world - how could Falere and Rila have been fairing? It had been centuries after all.

“We find our ways to deal with the loneliness” Elana said from beside her. The maiden had made it her point to visit her in the cockpit every few hours. “We’ve been here for five months, all on our own, we had to deal with the fact that we were to be doomed without direction. Do not take some of their want of death to be true, we all cope with what we can in these times.” 

Samara only gave a brief nod, “Yes, that is why I had not struck you all down. You are all innocents, even I know that you did not ask for this curse.”

“But would you have though? Killed us if we tried to fight back?”

“To defend myself? Yes. And even if you decided to run, I would also have to strike you down. I do not fault you for your condition, but ardat yakshi melding is dangerous, it is a surprise to find you stable even after a few.”

She heard the maiden beside her gulp before turning to look away. “I... I'm glad that it turned out this way then..." A quiet moment passed before the maiden addressed her again. "In Lessus, we have so much time left in our lives. I wonder what we could do - if five months felt so long, what could hundreds of years be?”

Though Samara knew she wouldn’t be faulted for not replying, she spoke, trying to assuage comfort to these young asari, a moment that she was unable to do when those dear to her heart were whisked away. Unlike them, at least she had time now to converse with the young ones beside her.

“It is not all for naught, you have chosen to stay true to yourself and not harm me, you have kept your word to assist me with your fellow maidens. The life you lead is harsh and unforgiving, but in time, I know of asari who were able to integrate back into the community. It might take a long time, but the only other option is death or crime - and both do not serve as very attractive prospects.”

“You sound as if you have experience, Justicar.”

“I do, I have devoted four hundred years of my life to search for an ardat-yakshi, when I could not find her, I would travel the galaxy righting wrongs, but she was my very goal.”

“But the captain - Parrhea said you also fought with the collectors - from what I saw in her mind during the meld - though unclear, they were a force to reckon with - almost suicide - if you had battled with them - does that mean you have finished your goal?”

“I have, yes. Life finds a way to both test and reward us, I have helped defeated the collectors and achieved my goal within a month of each other.”

A silence crept upon them, from the cockpit, the garden world of Lessus had started to form, within minutes they would be able to dock.

Elana moved to speak again, her hands fumbling, “I also saw another thing from the Captain’s mind. I was unsure if I should ask, but given that I may not see you -or any other none ardat-yakshi in the near future, I guess there’s no harm in trying.”

“Speak, child.”

“The captain knew of your code, just as we do - because of you as a justicar, but there was something in her mind that suggested you were famous - not just for the collectors- but for throwing away your family to become one.” Elana blinked finding herself suddenly bashful at her words. “I’m sorry, I only meant to say - I mean, that was what was in her head. I - is the justicar’s code really that strict?”

It took a while longer for Samara to reply, this time, she held the maiden’s eyes in her own, capturing their attention fully. “My bondmate was another asari, we - I have had three daughters. When I joined the Code, they had already been torn away from my grasp. My eldest, was the reason for my deliverance to the Code, and now my goal is done. But there are still many unjust left in the galaxy. I have nothing else to live for but the code.”

Samara ended it at that, but from the maiden’s now wide eyes it seemed that she had understood. It was known throughout the asari space that she was a mother to three ardat-yakshi, all within the dangerous active spectrum of the disease. Many know that it was her eldest, Mirala - Morinth, was the reason she was brought on her knees to the code of the justicars. But even at first she was met with skepticism, one did not just devote their life away for the code. Skepticism turned into reverence - especially once she had made her oath.

When they had finally arrived in Lessus, Samara watched as a few matriarchs and huntresses stood nearby, given the number of her passengers, the extravagant entourage was to be expected. 

“Thank you Justicar” one of the matriarchs said “we have received your request, these maiden’s families will be told of their fate - it is very unusual for such of our kind to be held as captives, but it seems that the galaxy is never kind. Will you be staying for a while longer? We can offer room -”

Samara shook her head and bowed respectfully at the matriarch. “There is no need, I shall take my leave once I have witnessed all the maiden’s enter the sanctuary - as is my duty.”

The matriarch nodded and turned with a movement of her head, the huntresses formed in two lines while the newcomers were led inside.

Elana walked into her new life, taking in the vast monastery that was to be her home. Though she knew nothing of what to do and how to act, at least she was alive, at least she was did not need to endure needless suffering. She walked behind the group, taking one last look at the justicar who’s eyes once again turned into a mask, unfeeling. Still, she couldn’t help but feel an underlying warmth from the short time they have conversed.

As she walked into the walls of the monastery, a short gasp from one of the welcoming matrons reached her ears. 

_ “Mother?” _

Quickly Elana turned to where the asari was looking, there was no one behind her other than the matriarchs and the justicar, and from the asari’s reaction it was obvious that surprise decorated her tone. A surprise that would not have happened if her ‘mother’ was any one of those who had greeted them earlier.

There was only one other person that it could be - but when Elana turned, the ship's doors were already closed.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The journey back to asari space was smooth sailing, for a time, until such, where the small tugging of her heart could not be stopped. 

_ “Mother”  _ she did not hear it, but from the way Falere’s lips moved, it was obvious that her youngest daughter was surprised. Samara had hoped not to see her, or Rila for that matter, when she had dropped the captives off. 

How cruel fate truly was, tomorrow will mark the four hundred and thirty first year anniversary of the very last time she had heard her two youngest’s voices. Tomorrow will mark the for four hundred and thirty one years of her as a Justicar. Tomorrow was the day when she had let go of all she loved, for the sake of justice that she knew was ultimately her fault.

How different life is now, now that her cause for the oath was finished, now that she had fulfilled her personal purpose- to stop Mirala from inflicting more pain. Now she was truly empty.  _ “A ruined, an empty vessel of sorrow and regret…” _ A regret of what her life had come to, to lose her bondmate and her daughters in less than a century in the making. To kill her own daughter while making sure she kept her distance from the other two. Four hundred years of loneliness, and even though the code had kept her sane for so long, gave her a will and a purpose - now that times have started to change. 

Where was an old soul to go?

_ “Truly I am alone… but I am also at peace.”  _

Samara spoke the words to the stars, but as her whisper echoed into the cockpit of the ship, and a blanket of cold enveloped her, she knew, oh she knew that she was slowly losing the will that was once the only thing she owed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know my ages from carpe diem was skewered, but the details here are taken from the wiki so 431 years should be the proper time if the codexes are correct.
> 
> Also haha yes, if we're feeling romantic we can say that they both relived and whispered the same moment together XD


	4. Breaking Monotony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to break the routine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have fully decided to embrace making this fic worth it. It's gonna be made slow but crafted as best as I can. Grammar not included though as I'm a dumdum sometimes.
> 
> No matter how much I love Carpe Diem and it heals my sad ME2 Samara heart somehow, there's always that point where an AU has gotta happen, and it has to be as greatly built as possible.
> 
> This is that AU, sure i've already touched on the AU with James being more familiar with Shepard (again 6 months yo), but big advise that a certain mission will be jumped backwards a little earlier than usual.

To: Cmdr Shepard

From: [REDACTED]

Subject: This log will self delete five minutes after being opened

“That’s new…” Shepard murmured as her finger hovered over the notification that beeped through the terminal. It was reaching past midnight in the brig, and although many were asleep - her fourth month in had given her more than enough leeway to skirt the rules of schedule. Although she still reported daily to James and underwent the schedules that were required, her free time was longer than ever. Anderson had visited her once and said that her stay in the brig now was more for protection than a sentence. Although it did not assuage her fears given that there was an enemy incoming - there was nothing much she could do - because technically - the worst - being court martialed, could still happen.

So now here she was, surfing the extranet terminal as sleep had yet to take her. Normally she spent the time listening to the news, what of Cerberus, the reapers, the geth, Omega, the Citadel, any small snippets of articles and headlines that caught her attention - especially when it seemed she would maybe get information regarding her old crew. So far, she had only learned of Garrus and Mordin, but even so - there was very little information about them - or of any,  _ “They probably have most of the extranet cut off from me then… or no one still thinks this is real.” _

When she had mail, it would usually be from Anderson or James and the occasional VI who would send notifications about what was happening in the brig. This time though, the mail seemed to be of a different origin. Shrugging, Shepard decided to take the risk of opening the mail.

> “Shepard! By the goddess I’ve found you. I’ve been tracking everyone who kept searching for any data regarding [redacted] in the extranet. When I saw this [address] I knew it was you! Are you alright? I heard from [redacted] what transpired when you left, it was so sudden and I - I thought I would lose you again and this time I wouldn’t know where to find you. How are you? All I know is that you’re back in the Alliance in what is called …. A brig? A military prison? What had happened? I was so worried - I miss you. I’m still holding on to that dinner. Write to me soon. I’ll know when you’ve read this message - and don’t worry, as long as you only reply to my threads we’ll be safe and untraceable.”

As she scanned the note, Shepard knew that there was only one other person who had the ability to do this - sure Kasumi could be, but the thief didn’t really exclaim ‘By the goddess’ or ask fifty surefire questions all in one go. She couldn’t help but beam a smile at the terminal. 

It was Liara.

Liara had found a way to contact her. 

Sweaty palms reached out to the terminal as the mail disappeared. Shepard felt like she had been staring for longer than five minutes. Her first alien contact was what seemed like forever, as four months definitely felt like forever on Earth. The many questions were a welcome sight. What was she going to write first? It seemed Garrus already told her what she needed to know - but then again - Liara would have known what exactly happened anyways. 

> Hi. I’m stuck here for 100 more days before they’ll have my hearing. Though they’re only keeping me as a formality, which is a good thing, cause now you were able to find me through the extranet. [Name] would have told you, and if you check [file address] you can see what happened. I’m not proud of it but it was the only way to give us time. I - hope you’re doing alright. Don’t worry about me, kinda bored and missing the stars, but I’m ok. Hey, of course dinner’s still on - a promise is a promise.

As she read over what she had written, Shepard frowned, she knew it wasn’t the best written letter, but a part of her suddenly felt overwhelmed at the words that were in front of her. A part of her felt as if these weren’t the correct words Liara wanted to hear in the first place. Biting through the apprehension - Shepard let the words stay on her screen as she left the desk and headed over to the window of her cell.

A couple of weeks passed and Shepard had yet to respond, by that time - the email had been recalled and no traces - not even when she lightly pushed Vega for information - did it register than any communication entered her terminal. The bad thing was, the email kept repeating in her head, and different points came and went to what she could have written if she had a clearer head at the time. 

“James?” 

“Yeah?”

“I’m allowed visitors right? Not just Anderson or Hackett I mean?”

She watched as James squinted hard, as if he thought about what kind of specific answer was warranted. “Uh yeah, as long as it’s supervised. Getting tired of Anderson?” 

“No, I was just wondering.” Shepard went back into a lull sense of thinking. It had been almost five months, and yet- apart from Anderson or Hackett, she had no idea where Kaidan even was, surely he would have known she was there? Had he thought of her so badly to get this treatment? What of the others? Miranda, Joker, and Garrus? She could understand, the former two more so given their allegiance - or lack of allegiance. 

It felt funny now to her how it really was just Liara who stepped up - or maybe because Liara was the only one who could step up and send something? The months felt so long - how could everyone else be, had they even thought of her? Still roaming the galaxy, defeating whatever? Convincing everyone else regarding the reapers? But there she was, she was able to live every day in a pure blank state - if not working behind the brig, making sure she could get the ear of whatever top brass would listen. Even if Anderson had to listen to her groan all the time regarding what kind of defenses they could put in place.

Back in her cell that night, Shepard absentmindedly played with her fingers, counting the times her fingers would move and intertwine with each other when her terminal beeped again.

To: Cmdr Shepard

From: [REDACTED]

Subject: A friend.

> Shepard? It’s me. I’m worried. I don’t know if I should send one more time even though I'm confident  I’m not traced - I didn’t get you in trouble did I? I… I’ve been thinking about what to write - and I… I just want to know if you’re alright. That’s all. I’ve been so worried, Goddess, what could have happened to you? Please. 

With a sigh, Shepard shook her grievances and apprehensions away and started to write.

> _ “I’m okay Liara, I’m sorry--” _

Shepard continued to write way beyond the night, and after the first reply, continuous streams of messages were shared with each other. Her eyes had started to burn upon looking at the terminal for hours, her legs were feeling like lead and her fingers had started to numb at the consistent typing, but for the first time in a long while, a smile had not left her face ever since Liara replied back.

When the door opened to her room, James found a rare sight- a still sleeping Shepard, normally the commander would have been up and awake - ready for the next day but this was the first time James had ever seen her still asleep, haphazardly strewn on her bed - even as he called her name, Shepard still continued on her sleep. It took the lieutenant no choice but to use the prison bell to get her up.

“Wha- what- shit!” Shepard frowned at the sound that pierced her ears, but as her eyes opened and adjusted to the lights, her military self kicked in, she suddenly remembered where she was - and the light that bathed James in it’s harsh glow made it obvious she woke up very late. “Fuck James, I’m sorry” she said, failing to stifle a yawn as she got up and stretched demurely, ruffling her hair and scratching her obviously tired eyes.

She didn’t see James look at her with concern. “You okay there Shepard? You don’t look like you slept well. Is… anything the problem? Need to go to the medbay?”

“No, no I don’t, I’m okay - just… had sleep problems.” she smiled softly, making a point to be okay in front of him. He shouldn’t know in the first place that she had been conversing with someone outside of ‘allowed’ interactions. What she said wasn’t entirely an untruth though, she did have problems sleeping, but she never had problems waking up - even if there weren’t enough hours to sleep in the first place.

The next evenings went the same way - the fact that she had found herself somehow - being able to cling onto a thing of the past became the shining light in her everyday monotony. Though she and Liara had been careful in their interactions, broaching subjects that at first only were about the Normandy and the crew - then to more important endeavors, like apart from what the SR1’s cook made, what other human delicacies have she tried - onto more serious topics such as what was the world doing with regards to the incoming reaper invasion?

* * *

33\. It was now 33 more days until her hearing with the defense committee.

3\. It had been three days since Liara and her last conversed.

3\. That was the amount of hours she had been able to sleep for the last three days as well.

Their last interaction had left her in a daze. One where she foolishly thought she could let be without any lasting problems, as if it helped her ever before.

> “Am I important to you Shepard?”
> 
> _ “Hm? Of course you are. _
> 
> “Because you are very, so very important to me - not just because you have a prothean cipher in your head - or that you have saved me many times.”
> 
> _ “I can believe the cipher sure. But the saving? I remember you woo-ing a few times.” _
> 
> “Ha. True true. I do like it when you save me... but, I’m serious though. So I have to ask, because this is the last time I may be able to send messages for a while.”
> 
> _ “You've done your fair share of saving me too Liara, wouldn't be here in the first place if not for you. Are you going somewhere important? You’re not in danger right?” _
> 
> _... _
> 
> _ "Liara?" _
> 
> “You’re right. How can I not fall in love with you? Saving me, being worried. Being you.”
> 
> …
> 
> “Shepard?”
> 
> _ “Yeah?” _
> 
> “I… you did see what I said right?”
> 
> _ “Yeah…” _
> 
> “I… am I a fool then?”
> 
> _ “No… no you aren’t Liara… you are important to me too. Very much.” _
> 
> “Thank you.”
> 
> …..
> 
> …..
> 
> …..
> 
> “Important isn't the same though... Shepard... can I make you fall in love with me too?”
> 
> _ “You don’t have to do that. I love you for who you are Liara. Like how I love Garrus. Or Miranda.” _
> 
> “But I don’t want you to love me that way… I… alright. I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore. I - I have to go, I have somewhere I need to be, it’s not a dangerous mission. I’ll message again when I can. I’m sorry - I love you Shepard, as a friend, as a commander, that’s important. Please be alright there on Earth. See you soon.”

The terminal had stayed open, although no more messages came in, and a part of Shepard knew that there was really no one on the other side.

Shepard gnawed on her lower lip, finding her fingers trembling as she thought of what to type out.

_ In another time… another life. _

The words echoed in her head. 

_ I think I could find more than happiness with you. _

A choked sob escaped her throat, and memories she had kept tight rein flooded her. It had been so long since she had entertained such memories, such feelings. The lull of a boring brig life did many wonders to her mind, and she had been able to quiet out many of what was important to her before. 

> _ “Hey? Hope you're still there... here we go; Humans believe love can grow, I’m willing to take a chance. I really am… you are important to me. I… you’ve - I’m sorry Liara. I’ll make it up to you. I promise, and you won't get any less than you deserve.” _

Shepard sent the message, unsure if it would even be read. 

Unsure what the future would hold, but she knew she would try.

* * *

Back in the stormy skies of Hagalaz, deeply hidden over said skies- Liara T'soni stood upon her private terminal, debating on whether to read the latest email from Shepard. 

She would be coming near her - not enough to see her, but enough to almost feel as if there wasn't space in between them. Though she technically had been excited when she was contacted to go to the planet Sol, it felt like it was just wishful thinking on her part to go ahead with her feelings and truly - obviously express herself. She had never been one to be confident, not with Shepard, not until she came back to her on Illium real and true. As if she had never seen first hand what a mangled mess was left during the first collector attack.

The asari continued to thumb through the terminal, switching between delete and read - in the end, Liara sighed and decided. 

Now, she would travel to Mars.

* * *

A few solar systems away, Samara had just ended the life of twin krogans who were destroying the peaceful life of a small asari colony. Just like clockwork when the night falls upon her duties, the head asari of the the area would then thank her, the crowds would gather, half in awe and half in fear. She would be given a place to stay, and then hailed as a hero. As she broke bread with the people, she would be given berth and yet the longing looks parents and children would give her let her know that another justicar story would be told for years to come. Lastly, she would be given privacy, a place to meditate and to rest - and then she would leave the colony as early as she could - giving thanks to the head asari once again if it were possible. If not, she would leave, best to find another place where her code can do good and not bring any unwarranted person to harm.

Her journey over the past two and a half months after stopping by Lessus was filled with nothing but the code and sutras. Her days would start as the sun started to rise, and her sleep would come whenever there was nothing in the immediate vicinity that needed to be met with justice. As days passed, her mental faculties were usually reserved for her meditation and her practice, how fit her body must be even in the cold, the dark, the heat and in searing pain on fights. How her senses must be kept honed, a snap of the twig, a howl in the leaves, the scent of anything that was uncommon to the surroundings and mostly, how her mind must be free of anything but the code and it’s laws.

Thing was, she found herself slowly… finding delight in the little things. Something she had never thought herself to be curious or interested in. As she walked along the stalls of a nearby market, surveying the crowd of anything misgivings, she would find herself appreciating the scent of freshly harvested grains, the sound of laughter from children who were young enough to be both pure - and unafraid of her presence. She would find herself stopping to smell the flowers - although only just metaphorically as even though her mind would wander to a moment not even a year before with a certain human - her body was trained enough to resist such curiosities. Still, the ones that came to her - she found herself not anymore shying away - yet deciding to embrace a little of the moment. 

Once again, she found herself drifting off into an uneasy sleep. When her mind had started to wander, little distractions formed cracks in her barriers that slowly but surely let other things than the code seep in. Curiosity, longing, pain, even happiness- would enter her soul that was usually reserved for the code. Now when she thought about the day's events, her heart was not heavy with the realization that children would grow up to be maidens and then seduced and killed by Morinth, her heart would swell with joy that these same children will now grow up with one less reason for a premature, horrible death. Those little moments stuck in her, and let her breathe much more deeply. A huge, terrible burden showed itself little by little by lifting itself off her shoulders. 

When Morinth was killed by no less than her hand - the ache that came was like no other. But even with the pain - one she had cried fully for after she had left the Normandy not a day after - she found the weight of freedom… fulfilling. Yet, the weightlessness turned into guilt and then disgust, the moment of negativity was enough to push her back into her code, a familiar - safe place. 

She knew she had been running. Even as she had turned mind, heart and soul into the Code of the Justicars, she had been running. Running away from the pain, the guilt, the association of herself to bring three beautiful beings in the world that would only be smited by her own hands. The loss of a bond mate that she truly loved, it was cruel to think about it now. That she had only had Pameire for less than a half a century before she had lost her and her children. The loss of her daughter - and then… maybe, the loss of who she was once.

It was funny now to think about how everything spiraled into such a moment. Four hundred and thirty or so years since she had last experienced such a jumble of feelings. In the past few months she had felt more than she had ever had than four centuries combined.

All caused by one very beautiful human.

Shepard.

Shepard who at their very first meeting stared at her with awe and then acceptance, as if she were a justicar in training being assessed by a higher ranking personnel.

Shepard who impressed her with not only her integrity to a complete stranger, but also efficiency at the task given to her.

Shepard who was every bit as compassionate yet just. Practicing a method she never thought of applying in the last four hundred years. A method that even she herself now found difficult to even think was possible.

Shepard whose eyes smiled when their grey would meet green. Winked, when time had permitted them to get closer. Eyes that bore emotion as brightly as the stars as they seemed to envelope her in care and understanding. Eyes in rapt attention but with never with impunity. A smile that ranged from coy to delight, to embarrassment and sarcasm. A wide variety of emotions that she could not even begin to categorize. 

Sometimes, she would hate how observant she was. From how she knew a being could be unjust by the way he would shift - and she would be right because she would follow him and be led to a crime - to the very simple notice of how Shepard’s brow would knit and relax, a very familiar face that was etched in her brain when the commander had found herself bedridden for quite some time. 

In the night that continued on til dawn, the sleeping justicar smiled as she dreamed. 

In the morning, she would forget what she had seen in her mind’s eye, in the morning, her daily prayer and sutras would emerge, her work would be done and the will of the justicar would be followed. But for now, in the blanket of night, she let her dreams take her to much faraway lands, lands that she emotionally had not let herself feel, and in the brightness and color of her dreams, a redheaded woman with green eyes would be beside her - giving her more than just happiness. 

* * *

Back on Earth. Hours before the most awaited moment. Commander Shepard took one last look at the terminal that held no message from a certain blue asari ever since that fateful day. 

Sighing, she turned her back to the terminal and held the datapad in her hands, re-reading again her schedule for the day as she gathered up the courage she thought she lost. It was time, it was time to face the music and fight once more. This time, she would be heard, this time - if there was still time left - she had to give it her all. 

“Commander!” James Vega, two hours later than usual popped his body to be noticed as the door slid open.

Shepard tore her eyes away from the playing boy she watched almost everyday from her cell. “You sure it’s time enough to call me that?”

“Heh, I’d call something different but it’s good to do rank again.” the lieutenant greeted, “but hey, no time to waste, Anderson wants you out of here double time."

A ready challenging smile escaped her lips. “Bring it on, I’m gonna crush the defense committee."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Advance sorry again to those who love Liara. Fuck it, I love Liara, I do, and hurting her like this is so painful - but this Shepard muse just can't and what the muse says - ultimately goes.
> 
> It's also a tiny bit funny how I never knew there was a "horizontal line" option for fanfics to get a good cut in between paragraphs hahahaha


	5. Leaving Hesitations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter dedicated to Liara. From the first installment, part of ME1- until her stay on Mars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all Liara.
> 
> It was a little difficult and I knew I had to write Liara or I would forever have a writers block in writing anything else. She's a demanding little muse haha
> 
> This takes us into her head, fleshing Liara out more as a character in this story- and making sure it all ties up from Carpe Diem.
> 
> The only thing I realize I made a story mistake was when Samara asked Shep how many meldings the human had, Shep said two - but it was supposed to be three. I forgot Shiala and Shep knowledge melded during the Thorian scenario.
> 
> But I guess I can make a cutesy type error here for a... shepxsamara interaction.. whenever that would be.
> 
> Oh I can't wait for them to meld... oh but will they? In this fic? Who knows. Oh dear what am I saying. This chapter is for Liara. Lol. Carry on!

Liara knew one of her misgivings is being unable to cope properly with in the moment decisions. When she was young, she knew her mother was there for her - and as she grew older, Shiala and Benezia’s other commandos were there for her - when she was stuck in the Prothean ruins, although she relied on herself- there was a safety and familiarity that she succumbed to - one in which she found herself evidently unprepared and trapped.

Even as she was saved, she continued to rely on someone - in that case Shepard. Again and again her cycle went - all for the better part of her 106 years of living. It wasn’t until Shepard flung herself out of space due to the collector ship did Liara start the ever grueling two and so years of her life knowing that she was finally alone in the cold - cold galaxy. That she had to save Shepard, that she had to fend for herself, move on - find something that she could be good at - expand her horizons, talk to people - any kind of people - be strong. A change she had to endure - just to keep the ever growing thoughts of Shepard under Cerberus at the back of her mind. Just to keep her finally busy. She had no mother, she had never known her father - and the safety of the prothean ruins seemed so long past to what she had faced now.

Then came fight after fight, finding Shepard, knowing Feron, dealing with the Shadow Broker, dealing with Cerberus… Shepard, Shepard - it was always Shepard. In the short time she had seen the commander - everything else revolved around the human. From her safety, her comfort - the galaxy wide threat that consumed them to the all encompassing threat of how her feelings should no longer be contained.

She had to find a way to get back to Shepard - to tell the commander how she felt, to let the commander hear the words she had wanted to say but couldn’t. To finally open up to Shepard the words she was too afraid to say when they were together. But no, in her mind she knew it wouldn’t be that easy. When she had found Shepard's mangled body, all emotions in her felt like it was held in stasis, as if her being was on autopilot and an AI had the helm. All she knew is she had to save the human - with every fiber of her being. That of which led her to Cerberus - and despite the radical thinking of the pro-human group - she knew it was the only way to save the one that got away.

And got away she did - and this time - Liara had let herself do it.

When Shepard had come to her office - all crisp and clean and so very… human - as if nothing bad happened to her in the past two years- Liara felt relieved, but also scorned. The fact that Shepard had heard her earlier call ending with a threatening “mind flaying” was not something she was proud of - but it was something she quickly learned not to shy away from - not even from Shepard herself. The small feeling of bashfulness easily squelched itself in the realization that this was her now and she had to hold on to that feeling of security before she let herself fall again.

The two years that she had become an information broker - and a good one at that - had started to hone her - if not in reaction - then at least in masking her feelings. Truly it had felt wonderful to see Shepard again, but a part of her knew that everything was different - and even though the commander still had the glint in her eye - the swagger in her steps - the lopsided smile she had found herself easily swaying away, the smarter part of her willed itself and knew it had to hold. She was different now, both her and Shepard - and it was not going to be easy. She had to protect both of them still - because there was still someone who was looking for their downfall. 

At first their talk was strained - a part of her wanting to give in but she knew she wouldn’t. So when Shepard had changed the topic from small talk to recruiting justicar’s and assassins, information was what she could do. It just so happened- despite it all, despite keeping her distance as much as she could emotionally - she couldn’t avoid seeing the same lopsided smile, the same grin, the same concern that made Shepard- Shepard, and a little bit of her grievances and suspicions of Cerberus’ possible control had vanished with how… amazing the commander still was, inside and out.

It wasn’t just because of the way they talked - little as it was, but how Shepard helped her, how Shepard turned emotional upon being just someone who would do errands - how Shepard had made her turn emotional - one that she hadn’t succumbed to being for almost two years -at least not in the presence of other creatures.

When the commander left Illium the first time - Liara made sure that the next time she saw the human - she would try - with all the goddesses that the asari knew of, she would work to bring that 106 year old starry eyed asari back and just… live. After all, it was Shepard, why would she have to hide?

Of course this time when Shepard returned, she wasn’t expecting a drunk Shepard- and she was definitely not expecting a drunk Shepard ogling for another asari. That - was definitely a surprise. She knew of the consort’s carnal or rather- comfort melding - she knew of Shiala and of her own knowledge meld - but nothing more - if it wasn’t for how Shepard seemed to be extra nice to her - she wouldn’t have thought the commander was partial to asari’s at all. But there she was - all obviously Shepard; drunk, giddy and inexplicably flaunting her love of all places.

If she were more honest with herself- if it wasn’t for Garrus - Liara herself would have probably broken down or worse. Fortunately - she couldn’t exactly open up to Garrus the same way so she did what she could, which was to keep an open mind as she listened - gathered information - made her own thoughts and conclusions, looked into her mind's eye about everything that could have transpired - how the connection even happened. A part of her felt that maybe it was because just like her, Samara was the only other asari in the Normandy, and from what she had known from Justicars and from Garrus - there were many similarities to them both - they had little knowledge or interactions of humans apart from Shepard - and that they both kept to themselves. Or at least that was how Liara tried to justify it. Or maybe… maybe --- no, she kept any other negative thoughts out of her mind.

Her two year stint as an information broker had thought her a lot of things- a solid backbone was one big thing - masking her emotions was another - and both had needed to be thoroughly used up when she had interacted upon the justicar - who had in no simple manner - requested she leave Shepard with the justicar alone - in her home - of all places. But even so, she dared not fight against a justicar’s words - and from what she had seen - there was barely any reaction that Samara had cared for the commander in the same way - truly it must have been just a one sided interaction. 

* * *

Back to her own strengths- it was in this same line that while Liara was not good at in the moment decisions- she was very good at preparations beforehand - and although the two qualities could have been perfect together- it was a hit or miss. She may have a fire extinguisher, a blanket, and a pail of water nearby - and if a fire came out - despite being already ready with everything that could help her- her hands would no doubt grab the blanket and start fanning - or placing it on top of the fire to smother it - rather than using the water or even wetting the blanket first. It wasn’t a great combination - but at least there was always a possibility of being ready. 

It was why this time when she was once again doing the sixth inventory and checklist of the broker base in Hagalaz - making sure that everything was to be safe and sound before she reached Mars for Admiral Hackett’s information - did she find herself in the dilemma of both qualities. 

She already knew that The Illusive Man was tracking her down and that Cerberus wanted the ship for herself, hence why she had to make sure - so many times on what she needed versus what she could throw away. Her intel had told her she had a good week before Cerberus would launch an attack - so when it was that day, a full four days before the week of her information - did a Cerberus cruiser find its way into the orbit of Hagalaz did Liara panic upon realizing she had a few meager minutes left to grab what she can and go. 

Thank the goddess truly - that she had Feron and Glyph with her - the data on the base was quickly wiped, a time sensitive bomb ready - and she and Feron had barely escaped as they tried to avoid Cerberus.

Afterwards, Feron had decided to stay in the Terminus System - and Liara headed onwards to Mars.

Mars, a planet so near Shepard - yet so far away. Once the adrenaline of escape from Cerberus and Hagalaz wore off, her whole trip towards the Sol System had been nothing but replaying the last email she had received from Shepard, and as she stayed in Mars for the better part of the month, in between obsessively working on the Prothean data - and worrying about the Broker information - thinking about Shepard was both the best and worst things to come to her thoughts. 

Best because it reminded her what she was fighting for, and worst because emotionally - one she had let herself stop thinking about for so long - emotionally she would find herself wanting - needing to be busy just so she wouldn’t think anymore.

When Shepard had saved her - again - from Illium and helped her to become the Broker - it was the best few months of Liara’s life. When she had received information from Garrus, Tali and Shepard that they were on their way to the Omega 4 Relay - did Liara suddenly stop herself in her tracks - unable to finish the rough conversation she had with a hanar dealing - her mouth open agape at a reality that had knew was to come and yet believed it wouldn’t be so. Shepard was about to embark in a Suicide Mission -and this time, the commander was going head long into it.

Liara remembered closing the connection - an act that greatly displeased the hanar on the other line - but the whole day from learning about it - she had been unable to do anything else but keep her head in her hands - praying - praying oh so fervently that Shepard would be alright, that Garrus and Tali would be alright - that Shepard would be safe, that Shepard would not die. 

It was here she had realized that despite everything- despite the growth she had in two years, despite the feelings she had and reservations she kept - from being a part of the SR1 team, to what she was now - she was still oh so weak.

Weak that she was not beside the human. Weak that she should have been a part of a greater good that she should have been a part of making. But no, she had put it in her mind to push through on how she was supposed to be a broker- on how she was supposed to put her work first - and in doing so - she realized badly how much she had lost. 

When all was said and done - when prayers were answered and she received information that a non-collector ship was seen zooming past outside the Omega 4 relay, Liara let the tears - months in the making - finally manifest. 

Shepard was alright. Shepard was alive. 

And this time - she was not going to let the chance past her.

This time - when Shepard had once again offered to help her without any preamble, when Shepard had once again saved not just her body but her face - when Shepard had been able to assist her with one she had been trying to plan for months - she knew she was going to do everything she could do make sure the commander knew of her feelings.

It was this time - as she sat in the Broker’s now vacant chair - feeling more and more in control - did Liara know that despite the power in her fingertips- she would never - ever put Shepard in the back seat again. 

* * *

_ “Why don’t we have dinner together?”  _ A few small words translated into her mother tongue - yet she was able to hear and understand Shepard with those few words. Could hear the commander properly -easily - and Liara had held her breath when Shepard had literally taken a step closer to her - much more closer than their normal interactions - and had specifically invited her - ask her - that they would have dinner - alone. Just them. It was a dream come true- and nothing could have destroyed that moment.

Nothing unless it was that moment not happening.

So there she was - watching forlornly as Shepard got away again - back to saving the galaxy, doing requests - doing her duty - and she was now to stay behind, but she knew - she knew it was the right choice. The warmth of lips on her cheek said so. She only had to wait a little more.

Of course the wait had to test her again - as not even a week from when she had last Shepard - the same week she had thought she would see the commander again - no doubt successfully doing Hackett’s request - did the dire reality rear its ugly head.

Shepard was to be held prisoner - in no other place than Earth. As Garrus was once again the only being who she could talk to - she found out quickly what had transpired - why Shepard had not returned after two weeks - where she had heard nothing else regarding the Normandy and their whereabouts.

For months, Liara had once again fallen into despair - a despair that once again she had missed her chance, that every single time she was going to work harder for Shepard and her to have a chance - life finds a way to just test her more. A test she excelled in doing - knowing - hoping for the best outcome as long as she kept trying.

Finally, on that fateful day a few months after - her rigorous days and nights had finally calmed down. Shepard was alright. Shepard is technically in a prison, but at least the commander was safe on earth. Safer than any other place for now, she would continue her job for Hackett- analyze the prothean data, coordinate with the Mars scientists - be kind to Dr. Eva Core, get updates from Feron. 

Do everything right.

And when the moment comes she sees Shepard - she would do the in the moment decision she never had the chance to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to apologize, I realize while writing this that I use too much of (-) rather than (,) but then I also realized that I narrate in a very conversational way, something I knew I am prone to doing whether I text - or write info here or just talk to people online. So like it's not proper story narration haha. But I hope despite that quirk, the message of the story stays. 
> 
> I also don't understand ---but I do use pronouns so liberally - maybe again because of how I narrate it as if the story was a campfire story haha. Anyway. Next chapter will finally be kicking off the start of ME3, and so the grueling wait for our beloved Justicar to pop up has begun.


	6. Here We Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mars. Shepard. Liara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been a while. Found beautiful painful music for Liara/Shep/Samara but then it got too painful and listening to it just made me sad and Samara makes me ache and those things.
> 
> Plus I realized that despite me wanting to canon as much as I can and take inspiration and lines from the game, I get bored re-writing them point for point. Then I realized I can let go of most of the plot since we all know what's happening anyway and focus on just character and world building on my own. So I was stressing myself too much trying to do what the game has already showed us - when I could technically write new scenarios preferably.

**_Shepard:_ **

“Fuck it!” Shepard gave a brief look at Kaidan before turning away from the cargo doors, frustration and anger ripped through her body - unnecessary deaths and destruction all came down in a blaze - and just in time really. Today was supposed to be the day she would get her pardon and fight again, maybe a bit of time, maybe a month or heck even a week. But there it was - the sounds of screams and beams from human and reaper respectively - ripped through the metal plating of the Normandy.

It was all too late - she wouldn’t have enough time.

And James Vega hogging her ear off wasn’t helping either.

“Shepard! What the hell’s going on? Where’s Anderson? Where we going?” James got out of the elevator to the cargo bay and barraged her with questions, questions she knew were valid, and yet she couldn’t find the care to answer. What the hell was going on? She didn’t fucking know. Anderson was down there- maybe even massacred right now - she wouldn’t know. Where were they going?

Citadel. To the council - if that would even help. Given how dismissive the council was ever since.

_Fuck._

That was the only thing in her head that made sense.

_Fuck it all._

“We’re leaving.” she said through gritted teeth, moving ahead and unwilling to fall in step despite being used to it for the past six months. Not that being the commander ever went into her head, but the urgency of it all had pushed her mind and body to easily return to the life she was used to - and that was being in the front of everything. Fire. Bullets. The people she cared for.

“To where?” James stressed out - voice pitching in distress.

Before Shepard could turn away from the console to shout for James to shut up- Kaidan quickly came in to answer - “Anderson asked us to go the Citadel, find help from the Council.”

A frown burrowed it’s way into James’ usually upbeat - stress free face. “Bullshit! He wouldn’t just ask us to leave!”

“He just did. Care to take another look outside Lieutenant?” the sneer in her tone was thick, and although she knew James didn’t deserve it - she couldn’t help but lose her head at the boy. She turned back to the console, clicking for the helmsman to ready the ship to their destination. “Without help we’re already doomed.”

A part of her hoped James would let the issue go - obviously, he didn’t - and Shepard had to agree it was just like one of their heated sparring matches - although this time there was more bad blood at stake. “You can drop me off at the nearest depot then Shepard - I ain’t gonna stand here and -”

“Stow it, Lieutenant. It’s Commander now. You might not want this fight - heck, maybe you aren’t even ready - but this isn’t a democracy. If you want out - be my guest but you can get a ride there. We’re not stopping this ship for you.” Green fiery eyes stared back at the lieutenant, and Shepard could see Kaidan itching to stop them both if anything went wrong. 

Fortunately, the terminal clicked - and Joker - of all people - spoke through the comms. A reprieve went through her nerves.

Joker. That was a good sign.

“Hey Commander- gonna ditch pleasantries for now - we got an emergency transmission from Admiral Hackett- I’ll patch it through.”

Talking to Anderson - despite the whole thing being pretty much one sided and choppy - was such a relief. Getting orders, being part of the team - getting into the shoes as a commander it was all so… satisfying. Things were falling into place - and although there was the rough spot which was the reaper invasion - the steady command that was given to her by Hackett was easily accepted. Not to mention she still felt bad about Amanda Kenson and the Batarian Colony she was unable to save.

“First ---- I need you --uuu to go to our outpost on Maarrrsss. Before we lose control of the system.” the continuous static was bad, but at least the important ones came through. “We’ve been researching the prothean archives found there with Dr. T’soni..---”

“Liara?” On how bad the whole reaper on Earth had shook her mentally, with only the familiar shoes of being commander again holding her together, nothing can compare to the added emotional baggage of hearing the asari scientist's name in the middle of it all.

Liara was on Mars. Was that the mission she had been skirting topics about a month ago? She was so near then - too near.

“Joker- set a course for the Mars Outpost.”

“What are we going to find there?” Kaidan asked.

“Whatever helps us win this war.”

If Shepard thought that James was the frustrating one - then Kaidan was downright infuriating. The whole time from the LZ to the archive, the major took no expense in jabbing her about her affiliation with Cerberus - as if that was the most important issue at hand. It wasn’t even about Cerberus anymore. The reapers were there - the ones she had been warning everyone about since the start - the reason why Saren was chased - how Ashley had to be a death. Couldn’t it have killed anyone to just give her a bit of slack? 

“Commander Shepard had been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they or anyone communicated since.” 

Shepard spared a look of thanks towards the lieutenant who halted Kaidan’s suspicious questions. Though technically it wasn’t fully true- as she had conversed with the Shadow Broker for a while. It was true though that she knew nothing else about Cerberus ever since finishing the Collector base with them.

“You know Kaidan, maybe if you cared to visit, you’d know. Hate Cerberus all you want - but I’m done explaining myself to you. Are we clear - Major?” Shepard knew the jab on titles wouldn’t piss off Kaidan, in terms of ranking. Kaidan definitely was higher in command- but Shepard was the captain of the ship - and so she took what little wins she could and if she had to jab it in one more time, she was really going to lose it.

She spared Kaidan no more glances as the elevator in the Mars outpost carried them up. “Perfectly, I didn’t mean to-” Whatever else Kaidan was going to say, not that it would have made her feel better- was halted by a sound of something passing through the vents. Quickly the trio took to the the side, waiting for whatever it was - friend or foe.

When a body popped out of the vents - Shepard couldn’t help but stare - the blue asari that dropped down was no other than Liara T’soni, and although it wasn’t the best asari entrance she had seen - ever - maybe even worse that that she had - there was no doubt that it was a welcome a sight, almost perfect if not for the growing pit in her stomach threatening to swallow her.

She knew she was going to meet Liara, but given it was only minutes to and from Earth to Mars, and that the shock of the reapers still unsettled her, Shepard had found herself sorely unsure on what to do.

Two quick gun clicks followed another two, and the only reason Shepard’s brain didn’t totally forget who she was - was when James lifted up his rifle - caution erring it’s head. Quickly she pulled his gun down. “She’s with us, James.” she said in clipped tones, obviously gulping at what was to come.

What met her was nothing she had been prepared for. Not in that lifetime at least.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


**_Liara:_ **

She had to escape - how did she not notice this earlier? Had she been entranced in the Prothean finds? After two whole years of missing them digging through dirt and looking for relics - and she was not aware of the incoming danger? Some scientist she was - some broker she was to not be ready on both aspects. 

As she held her pistol, alien and unfamiliar at first - now felt like home in her hands. The quick shots from her singularity had quickly subdued the Cerberus pair waiting for her, and now as she held the pistol in her hands, a flashback wove through her thoughts.

_“It’s just like the Acolyte, but faster - most of the guns we’ll be using - unless we find some better ones out there, are made by the turians and humans, a little less lightweight, but a lot faster. Here, try this one out.”_

_She had little knowledge on pistols overall, much more those of alien design, given that she had never used such as a scientist. She relied only on her biotics at the most. Unfortunately, biotics only was not an option when one was being chased by husks and geths in planets unknown. Liara had asked a favor then, although she had wanted to approach Ashley Williams - seeing as her roster placed her as “gunnery chief” her demeanor had left much to desire in terms of interacting with Aliens. Kaidan on the other hand though not hostile, seemed to vie away from her. Many of the other’s in the Normandy were unsure what to make of her due to her mother. Which left her with no one else to ask but the commander herself. If Shepard had saved her from such an embarrassing position, then there was nothing much she had to hide after all._

_“Hahahaha!” Shepard laughed, hiding her mouth with the palm of her hand, “Liara it’s okay, you don’t have to salute me - and you can breath. I get it. ”_

_Liara expected a good firm “no”, she even expected a swift nod, but she was caught surprised at the Commander’s obvious laughter - a smidgen of shame and tons of confusion decorated her features. She had only saluted the commander - while relaying her thanks of saving her, her concerns, listing the amount of people she had thought to ask but was unable to, gave her lack of background on firearms and her desire to learn them in conjunction to her biotics. In hindsight, it seemed like she had rambled on too much._

_“I am sorry commander, I am… unfamiliar with humans in my one hundred and six years of life. I did not expect- I'm sorry if I seem to bother you or your crew-” she had almost started to ramble again if not for Shepard shaking her head and waving her hand in dismissal._

_“Nah, it’s alright - we’re due to drop by the Citadel, we can use the spectre training area. If we have time down planetside, I’ll teach you there too. Sound good?” Shepard gave a smile, returning to biting down a plump red fruit as the human turned back her attention to eating._

_Liara had usually found herself easily entranced, but there was something about the color of the apple and the color of the human’s hair to be… distracting. Liara had not noticed she was staring until Shepard had finished eating and looked back at her._

_“Uh… did you wanna learn now?” To Liara - she had realized that her staring had backfired into thought of eagerness, but before she could speak, the commander had smiled again, a lopsided smile whose eyes lighted up as a chuckle escaped the pale human lips._

_“I-- yes, uhm. Maybe in theory?” It was the easiest answer to say, every time she had needed to learn a practical ability and had lost herself in her thoughts, ‘Maybe in theory’ was the easiest excuse._

_She hoped it was the right answer- as the commander nodded and motioned her to follow._

_From there - on her first day of truly learning alien firearms, Liara had spent an equal amount of time fascinated not only by how pistols were built and modified, but also how… attractive the commander was as she expertly weaved her words and hands on the discussion._

Liara had fired a round each at the floating Cerberus pair, taking in a deep breath to make sure her floating target was hit perfectly before the singularity wears off. Quickly, she moved nearer the disoriented being, hitting twice again on weak spots on the armor - quickly giving them the most painless death possible. 

It almost felt as if Shepard was there with her again as she hit those bullets, holding her hand to aim, breathing together with her to steel her nerves, and making sure the shot count. It almost felt as if Shepard was there with her at that moment. How she hoped Earth was fine. Shepard was safe - 

“Hold it, she’s with us James.”

Speak of the protheans… her eyes enlarged, she was almost ready to hit another singularity at the multiple heavy footsteps behind her when the familiar voice reached her ears.

“Shepard” she breathed “Thank the goddess you’re alive!” When Shepard had moved closer to her - close enough as if they had never parted from Hagalaz, Liara closed in the moment and took the commander’s gun free hands in her. She felt herself shaking.

“Shepard….” she breathed again, remembering clearly the face that was just in her mind a while ago, the face that had been in her heart for many more. It only took a second or two for her to see, but truly she felt herself breathless. The relief the commander was alive, the memories that had come back at her- from their time in the first Normandy - to now the recent and latest interaction they had through private terminals, Shepard… and Shepard herself, now in front of her. 

“I’m glad you’re alive Liara - I was worried….” 

The voice almost didn’t reach her ears-her still ever observation obsessive eyes had taken in the commanders profile in the few steps that she had taken. Wasn’t Shepard in jail? What was human military prison truly like? Why did it seem that the six months that they had not seen each other Shepard grew twice as more attractive? Did her eyes deceive her? The armor clung heavily at the vanguard, but the obvious areas where it was strong breathable material was obvious that the commander had grown fitter, and her hair… Has it grown? 

But her eyes, why were the commander’s eyes so sunken? Dark circles circled around them - but her eyes, oh how beautiful those eyes were. Was Shepard still speaking? She didn’t know. How much time has passed since she was staring? She didn’t know. All Liara knew she had to see and get closer, and closer and---

* * *

**_Shepard:_ **

Warmth touched her lips. A warmth she had not felt for years. 

_So this is what an asari tastes like…_

Her thoughts were clouded over as pure blue hue suddenly encompassed her vision, and warm lips touched her own. It was almost inexperienced, breathless in action. But it was there.

Her brain went into overdrive, there was a sensuality and need that was different from the only other asari she had been able to be with - which was the consort Sha’ira, and although there had been no true kissing during that encounter - the level of professionalism was profound in it’s treatment that it felt like she could take on a hundred geth alone when they were done.

This kiss with Liara was breathy, urgent, all enveloping, consuming in a way that was totally different from Sha’ira, but the taste of asari was there, a tingling on her lips that moved from Liara towards hers.

Liara… Liara…

“Liara…” she breathed, moving away from the asari slightly to look into its owner’s eyes.

“Blue…” she spoke softly, Liara was all blue, her skin, her eyes. Shepard had to blink, it was almost too much, but she wasn’t able to get away. Just as she opened her mouth to breath, Liara had jumped back in, enveloping her fully in her limbs and capturing her mouth once more. It was like the asari was pouring an unending amount of feeling into her body, and all Shepard needed to do was let herself - the container be opened- rather than spill the contents away.

And so she did - she opened her lips, enough, just enough - as her arms encircled around the scientist and accepted the invitation that was given freely to her.

Lips were on lips, tongue was on tongue, accepting, pliable, and Shepard could feel the asari sigh in delight, thrumming in excitement - as if a new ardor was shooting from Liara towards her. 

_“You didn’t push me away.”_

A whisper - was that Liara? Did Liara whisper as they kissed? That was impossible. Shepard pulled away again, this time to speak. “I’m sorry I pushed you away.” she said, her voice unsure, unsure if Liara spoke those words in terms of the kiss, or in terms of how they were in Hagalaz and their correspondences. 

Liara’s eyes were soft, as if her own confusion made sense to the asari. Shepard could think of nothing else but those blue eyes, so free in their desire, so freely given to her - and the pain and loneliness she had felt from being so alone suddenly bloomed from inside her, shooting out - trying to grab towards the blue that Liara had freely let out. 

Liara was always there.

Liara had always been there. Even though she was busy in Illium and cold for a while - Liara had still helped her. 

Again her mind reeled, memories flashed back, when she had first met Liara, when she had taught the asari how to hold a gun, when Liara had tried to teach her how to make a stassis to protect herself, how this is what one looked like when in love. 

_In love._

_Love._

_Blue._

_Liara…_

_Blue..._

_Asari…_

_Blue..._

_Sa….No_. 

No she couldn’t not now. She wasn’t going to let it destroy this. Shepard already had her answer from before. She had already let the pain gnaw on her for days, weeks, months after. Why? It wasn’t so hard. She could give Liara a chance. She loved the asari as well… didn’t she? Why should it be that hard?

Shepard stared into the blue orbs, a moment of uncertainty suddenly passed through those eyes. The same uncertainty that she had seen ever since she had returned to Illium after the Collector’s base. Was it her fault? On why Liara had always looked uncertain? Was her fault that shadows always cast itself on those eyes that were once so bright and innocent?

_Was it her fault?_

_Maybe it was._

_Her. Benezia. The prothean beacon._

_Her death. Cerberus. Her Return_

_Feron. The Yahg. The Collectors._

_Her… Her._

_Why._

_Speak Shepard._

_Tell her._

_Tell anything._

_Don’t ruin it._

_Don’t ruin it_

_Don’t ruin it again._

_Liara. Liara standing tall, standing proud amidst the uncertainty. Liara, waiting for her. Again. One more time._

_Speak._

_Don’t let this go to waste._

_Step forward._

_Step._

_Step._

_……._

“I’m sorry.” 

Shepard watched as Liara’s eyes dimmed again. 

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_No. That wasn’t what. Fuck._

In a hurry, Shepard stepped forward, closing their distance again and holding the asari’s hands in way similar to their last hold in Hagalaz - “I’m sorry. I never really… appreciated you as much as I should have. You are so beautiful Liara. I don’t deserve you.”

Before Liara could speak - a timid cough interrupted them. “Uh. Shepard? Storm’s nearing. We gotta go. Hi Liara. I didn’t know you and Shepard were busy. Been a long few year’s hasn’t it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said this in In Vino. But ill update here too
> 
> HUGE NOTE HERE:  
> What a small fucking world?? Ive been listening to this artist Finneas, his songs are so sad and awesome and i keep listening to them and seeing Shepard /Samara/Liara. Ive been crazy for it for weeks now and listening to only 3 albums non stop (Finneas/Banners/We the public) and by the fucking goddess. Small world??? I searched Finneas and he's Billy Eilish's bro? And we all know who the fuck is Samara's voice actress is right??? 
> 
> Oh god my mind exploded. Its a sign ok. This is why these feels has been fucking with my head good.


	7. No Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting up for the inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. am. alive.  
> Barely.  
> This is a slightly weird little chapter where I try to get my writings' bearings back. It goes back and forth with present and past - with the past in italics

Liara stretched, she had been on her broker terminal for a non stop nineteen hours, her eyes were tiring and her ears were ringing at the amount of people she had been interacting with. It wasn't always that she needed to be busy, enjoying and finding any excuse to be with Shepard down planet side when she could. But at certain moments, when the world continued to burn but secrets and information were needed, Liara burned thrice the amount of energy just to make up for the time she had lost. It had all been so easy in theory, but the continuous stress she was putting on herself made her realize - in hindsight how refreshing it was to actually let loose in battle. If that was how Shepard was able to cope- then now she understood.

Every day was a battle that felt like it took ages to win, a war that was long supposed to have them ready and yet they barely had even begun to prepare. It was all so draining. Turning her head towards the bedroom, the temptation to rest her head grew - but the temptation was subdued just as fast when a beep on her terminal alerted her to another set of calls. Within thirty minutes she would need to be back and ready for her agent's reports, rest was not going to be an option - but some coffee would at least help.

_Liara watched as Shepard swerved her modified broker shuttle into the Normandy's new and strengthened cargo bay. They were lucky that the storm had yet to hit when she remembered that she had brought most of her data and equipment needed when parting from Feron._

_“The new Normandy came equipped with a holo monitor and two terminals if you need anything and hey since you’re technically the oldest member of the squad and i’m… squadless.” Her tone dipped, rising quickly to smother down the feeling of remembering what had transpired with Kaidan. ”You can take the ‘official’ mantle for XO. Whaddya say?”_

_The brakes were pressed and the commander continued to speak, not looking into her eyes as she continued to prattle on regarding Alliance and ship requirements. “Technically you all can call me Commander even though I’m the Captain of this ship now. Hm. I guess Captain Shepard is fine but even in the Normandy 2.0 with Cerberus I was still Commander - or maybe because we weren’t flying Alliance colors? Well, if that’s the case then --”_

_Liara frowned, Shepard had never been this… unsettled and unsure of herself before. Back during their time in the first Normandy, Shepard had always been composed, albeit a little too friendly, but the confidence and swagger she had - never left. Although it was still obvious in the midst of a battlefield, she had never thought the commander would be so restless._

_Similarly when they were stuck in the storms of Hagalaz, though short - Shepard had been distant, brooding even, but never like this. Maybe Cerberus had done something to the commander? The furrows in Liara’s brow deepened._

_To finally put a stop to the prattling soldier beside her, Liara used her hands to slowly but carefully cup Shepard’s cheeks and turned the redhead towards her. “Shepard..” she breathed, face still in a frown but voice full of concern; not even sure what issue she should open up first- “If this is about Kaidan -”_

_Shepard couldn’t help but break away from the soft hands that held her, shame shadowing her earlier carefree expression. “Kaidan’s a Major you know…” Shepard said slowly, as if every word was a stab into the dog tags she was now fidgeting with her fingers. “He’s supposedly of higher rank than me now.”_

_The bitterness of the situation was not lost on Liara who knew that the moment shook her beloved. When the synthetic body of who was once called ‘Eva Core’ came in to slam Major Alenko’s head on the door of the shuttle, it was a moment of pure fear for everyone. Guns were one thing, but having someone you know thrown helplessly like so - a full armored soldier being thrown easily like a ragdoll was unnerving. The desperation Shepard had upon hurrying to bring Kaidan to the med bay was understandable. It actually made her feel bad that they had to rush to grab her Broker equipment back near the base._

_Liara found herself tongue tied, she didn’t know how to actually make Shepard feel better, even though she knew Kaidan due to their connection with Shepard, there was a limit to how much he meant to her, but Shepard’s distress was clear and that was what affected her so - even though she didn’t know how to help._

_With a quiet sigh, Liara folded her hands on her lap, biting the inside of her cheek as she looked again at the brooding woman beside her. “If you need any assistance Shepard, all you have to do is ask. I’ll be your XO, gladly.” Liara tried to give a reassuring smile, hoping to meet the green eyes._

_Shepard looked at her, and a small shadow of a smile flowed through the mess of bangs, looking up at her with such pain- more pain that she could understand. “Thanks Liara. You’ll be my friend too right?”_

_Liara had to stop a pout at that, she didn’t know if the human was baiting her or making fun of her, but their earlier greeting should have solidified what she wanted after all. “I’m always your friend Shepard - whatever happens- but forgive me for being selfish but I stand by what I said I want to be more. Whether you deserve me or not.” In an instant, Liara moved swiftly from the passenger side to the driver’s - straddling Shepard in the small space of the shuttle as she watched the redhead’s eyes widen._

_Under her Shepard had automatically moved to place her hands on asari thighs, and Liara had to stifle a gleeful squeal as she felt fingers circling around her armored skin. Watching Shepard shocked was adorable. Feeling the moment as a bit of a win, Liara gave in to more important things - as quickly as she climbed on top of the Alliance personnel did she give the woman a quick kiss on the lips, one that was rewarded with a soft moan of relaxation and an even stronger grip on her thigh._

_With a triumphant smirk, Liara left the lap she craved to be on again before cocking her head to the back of the shuttle. “To start, to help both of us, why don’t you help me carry some of my terminals to the XO room? Two will not be enough for the Shadow Broker I’m afraid.”_

* * *

Shepard woke up in a cold sweat. Another nightmare… voices of those she couldn’t save, voices of the future souls that would condemn her for her inactions. As her eyes adjusted to the room, the faint glow of light on the ceiling made it obvious that Liara was awake - or rather hadn’t even tried to fall asleep. 

Sitting up, the empty XO cabin greeted her - Glyph was on the side, his lights dim as if resting, the screen flickered on and off, Liara was nowhere to be seen. Debating if she should get up and find the young asari, Shepard’s thoughts drifted, she had always found herself working best when helping others - when she had purpose and peace. One she had been doing in doves - ever since she had left a burning Vancouver, the other she had in spades, it was what kept her burning, the last is what would kill her. In her waking moments there were no peace, in her nights even her dreams wouldn't let her sleep. 

_“Okay so here’s the thing, just you know, correct me where I’m wrong. We’ve got a non diplomatic Primarch, we need the Krogans, the Asari isn’t helping or budging, which is - the typical asari for you - sorry Liara" Joker moved his head around, knowing that Liara was always listening in now, "and the Salarians are coming in just as we’re also cozying it up with Krogans? There’s something wrong about all this.” Joker rationalized as he heard Shepard's familiar footsteps behind him. “You’d think that maybe when we’re all under this raging hellfire from the real bad guys the galaxy could maybe give us some slack. Why can't peace and unification ever be an option?”_

_"The galaxy just loves having someone patch it up I'm afraid." Shepard sighed "No rest for the wicked and all that."_

_"I doubt your actions have been very wicked Shepard. In so far as data suggests you've been quite diplomatic and paragon; doing your best to make both the situation and even the team have positive outcomes." The two humans turned to look at their new ship-mate._

_Shepard cocked a smile, "It's a play on words Edi," she tried to explain, "but putting it like that I guess that's why it gets draining."_

_"Hmm. I understand. But I doubt Justicar Samara would have been very kind to you - or us in the Normandy if we were ever labeled as being wicked." Edi's deadpan observation left both Shepard and Joker with wide eyed disbelief. The AI turned to her duties as if she hadn't just brought up one of the more heavier topics that left the commander on air on most days._

_Shepard stared into the void of space, the name and designation leaving a throb in her heart. It felt like ages since she had heard that name spoken in the Normandy, so far it wasn’t something that needed to be opened up, or brought to any conversation - and yet, Edi, a synthetic mind like Edi was able to just bring the name into this apparent situation._

_The silence was dropped when Joker let out a whistle. It made the moment a little less awkward but nonetheless heavy before Shepard was called by a friendly VI voice._

The redhead dropped her face into her hands. She just had to remember that little scene - a moment when Edi just gained a body and they had departed Menae. It had been months since she had heard that name come from someone else's lips but her own - and ever since then, she had yet to hear it again. She thought it would have been easy to forget, with how the galaxy was, there was more than enough to keep her pre-occupied, she had met the other members of her team - friends ever since their trip from Menae, Jack, Mordin, Grunt, Wrex, Kasumi - and yet, and yet a small tugging feeling in her heart knew that she yearned for this asari that was in goddess knows where. 

Looking at the pristine pillow beside her, it also clenched her heart to be thinking of a different asari when she was there in the room- and bed of someone else. Still, what she felt for Liara was real, but looking at the scene in front of her, the broker that she was - the late nights scheming - it was unfamiliar, worrying.

 _"I need to be strong for Liara too."_ Or at least that's what she kept telling herself. The redhead was used to the stress of life, from the simplest requests of random civilians to saving the galaxy - it burned her more than she could - but in the end the goal was clear. Making sure her friends and loved ones get there unscathed with her was another. 

* * *

Outside, Liara conversed with Garrus and Joker beside the kitchen counters. Tomorrow they were set to get back to the Citadel, upgrades were needed for their ship and their journey around the galaxy left them with many little items fetched from those who left their home world. 

"It feels like it's been so long." Liara said as she sipped her coffee, grimacing slightly at the bitterness of it. "But here we are, going back to the citadel just a few mere weeks since dropping Kaidan off Huerta. We've gone through so much and it feels like it's just going to get worse."

The turian beside her hummed his assent. "Yeah. Isn't that what Admiral Hackett said? I honestly can't believe that Shepard is able to get through all of this pressure on her. Imagine, the burning of earth, the council learning she was right and yet refusing to help---"

Liara's thoughts drifted once again in concern towards the woman who was sharing her bed. It had only been a short while, but she and Shepard had come to an understanding that they needed each other as much as the galaxy needed to be united - though the latter was much more stubborn. That was why Liara had coaxed Shepard to at least stay with her, at first it was only in between missions, but soon enough, Shepard had stayed in her room almost every night, only coming up to the captain's cabin to feed her fishes. 

Although Liara was excited for the prospect of being able to sleep with her beloved - as if two bond mates on the road to domestic bliss - the reality of it was far from so. 

_Liara watched Shepard, admiring how the commander snapped the monitors in place while she worked on the cables beside her - there were not many moments that she and the human shared that was not gunning down enemies in the battlefield, so in doing something as mundane and even domestic made her heart skip a beat._

_“Doctor T’Soni, an urgent message from the Normandy pilot --” The blue VI ball called Glyph was unable to finish his message when the overhead communications crackled and Joker’s voice passed through._

_“Reapers just behind us Commander - and we’re heading towards the relay now. ETA to the Citadel, twenty minutes.”_

_Shepard stopped what she was doing as she installed the last monitor on Liara’s thirty three monitor and two terminal display. It felt like Hagalaz again. Maybe just a little homier and a lot more cramped._

_“Thanks Joker, have the operator ready an ambulance to Huerta Memorial.”_

_“Got it boss.”_

_Behind them Glyph hummed, Shepard looked backwards at the glowing VI before turning her attention to the Shadow Broker. “So, how did Glyph know Joker was about to tell me something?”_

_Liara sighed, maybe it was better when she didn’t program Glyph to see Shepard as a co-owner, there were questions that could pop up that one day she wouldn’t be ready to answer. “Glyph needed a lot of enhancements if I were to fully embrace the idea of the Shadow Broker, with limited help and not a lot of time to learn, I gave him a long range observation chip that would be set when we aren’t on base. When I am nearby all information within approximately one hundred meters is being processed. The bulk of the power is tagged on keywords.”_

_“Such as Shepard?” The redhead added, realizing the degree of meticulousness and somewhat creepy yet… effective way Liara had to keep tabs on anything that could be used as information regarding them._

_The asari clenched her fingers tersely for a moment before continuing her strokes on the terminal. “Yes. Words such as Shepard, Normandy, Reapers - Cerberus.” If Liara’s voice hitched in direct relation to her building guilt, Shepard didn’t push for it. At the moment, whatever they had that could essentially help them would be beneficial. As long as of course, the Shadow Broker secret was kept within a trusted few._

"Liara - hey - do you think we’ll be able to drop by Purgatory?” Joker asked - moving a hand in front of her face which was obviously in deep thought.

“I... “ Liara blinked, the sudden memory causing her to stumble her words, she had wanted to say nothing, or at least say something innocent, and yet the words that stumbled out of her were the practiced words only an information broker - a shadow broker would know.

“We will, Aria has some requests she’d like Shepard to do. A mutual benefit sort of request.”

* * *

  
  


“You’re awake.”

Liara winced at her own voice, her words sounding a little too accusing rather than stating. To her benefit, it seemed Shepard barely realized as the redhead stood to the side of the room, staring outside the little window that held an expanse of the galaxy.

“And you haven’t been asleep.”

Liara winced again, knowing that even though Shepard held no accusation, the weight of those words made the asari realize that the dream of domestic bliss was never going to reach fruition as long as they had their respective roles. 

“I shall sleep soon.” she remarked, walking towards the bedroom - willing herself not to look at the timer on the terminal as she wrapped her arms behind the spectre. Big mistake, as Shepard’s scent easily overtook her baser senses. The warmth of the human wrapped in the unmistakable scent of Shepard, sweet- yet musky, comforting and strong. It made her a little bit more sleepy, the temptation to just jump in bed and roll over the covers calling to her once again.

Shepard relaxed, the little moments between them precious. There was no doubt that every day turned into more and more of concern, that Liara was concerned for her and she was concerned right back - but duties called to them like sirens to sailors, and even though she preferred that they could maybe shirk duties one day - it wasn’t something she’d ever say upfront. 

“I wish you could sleep with me and wake up with me Liara. You’re hurting yourself too much.” 

“Says the person who takes on missions every day - isn’t that why after your calls reporting to Hackett you go straight here to sleep?” 

A weak chuckle escaped the human. “I’ve been training everyday for this you know - apart from the time I was technically dead.” The lightness in tone had Shepard relax, turning her body to face the young scientist. With a sigh, Shepard wrapped her arms around Liara, sharing their warmth and scent together -a scent that she had found alluring and comfortable. 

They stayed there in each others embrace for a moment, breathing in each others scent and finally giving each other a reprieve that had been a long time coming. 

“Sleep with me. We have a few hours left before we need to prepare and you need sleep. I miss you on the team.”

Liara could feel Shepard’s warm breath against her shoulder, and the tightening of the arms around her made it almost impossible to resist - at least until her terminal beeped and Glyph’s voice appeared from behind them.

“Good morning Doctor T’soni, your o’ three hundred meeting will begin in five minutes.”

For a quick moment the asari could feel the hold around her tighten a fraction- the jaw resting on her shoulder clenching before Shepard moved away, green eyes not looking at her before turning back towards the expanse outside the window.

Liara bit her lip, the moment was gone - and a part of her wanted to scream, to yearn, to have Shepard throw her on the bed, carry her back up to the captains cabin - to destroy her monitors - hit Glyph - even if that wasn’t possible but Shepard would never do so. There the human was, her back turned to her - knowing that giving her space was proper way - even though it just drove her to be all the more guilty.

She wanted to scream, but even if her heart wanted to scream in frustration, the voice she spoke were soft and clear. “I’ll wrap it up quickly. Go back to bed, my love, I promise to be with you when you wake up and I’ll join you for breakfast on the Citadel.”

A nod was her answer. 

With another sigh, Liara stepped away from the bedroom, just in time for the first of her agents to report to her.

When the last of her reports were finished and the final ‘goodbye’ to her agents were sent, Liara turned around to find the bed empty.


	8. Dragging Through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah. That was easier to write, though now Shepard is a little bit overloaded with all the "Priority" Missions coming up. I unfortunately needed the squad to make this fic work - so that means a smattering of liberty and mission changes here and there. All you reader's patience will be rewarded in the next chapter - or two.

“I hope you’ve actually slept Liara - come on, I’ll get us lunch.”

This time, the accusation in the tone was obvious. But Liara was much too tired to wince or think. 

“You didn’t even say you were leaving.”

All she got in reply were two blinks and two words “I did.”

“You didn’t.”

“Ask Glyph.”

“I don’t need to ask Glyph, I know you left - you - you -”

“Liara please. The matriarch behind me would probably skin me alive if you keep raising your voice.” Shepard drank whatever was left of her juice quickly before taking the young asari’s hand and moving towards a different area of the presidium commons- giving a small nod to the turian general by the benches.

Once they reached a little observation area on the far side of the commons, Shepard signaled Liara to sit, which at least the asari followed. Squatting in front of her, the redhead held the two clammy blue hands in her own.

“You know I said I was leaving. Twice.” she half whispered - a tired yet smiling face gracing her features, understanding that Liara could sometimes forget when she was too involved in her shadow broker duties.

It took a moment for Liara to respond. “I know. I’m sorry, Glyph told me you said you were leaving-- twice. I… I’m sorry. I wasn’t...”

“You need sleep Liara. Your hands are shaking, your eyes are dead, I doubt you could slap a singularity out of you that could carry a husk much more a centurion.”

“Are you saying I’m worthless?” the edge in the asari’s voice was obvious, though a bubbling laughter threatened to erupt from it.

Sensing the suddenly light moment, Shepard took the chance to continue their talk to a more pleasant conversation.

“To a battle? Yes. Very much. To what we’re fighting for? No.”

“And to you?”

“Ha. You got me there. Never. You’re never worthless to me.”

Liara’s face softened, and she could feel the tears forming behind her eyes, as if it was the perfect time to break down at noon - in the public space of the presidium commons. 

“But you could practice a little of that worth if you could sleep with me every so often.” A brilliant smile was brought out from that- one that both the human and asari shared.

“Can we skip lunch and maybe we can take a nap?” 

There it was, the innocent maiden that Shepard had missed and actually started to fall in love with - especially now when it was rare she would see it in the first place.

“I still have a few things I need to finish up with Aria- as I’m sure you know. Come on, I’ll buy you lunch - I’ll finish up quick - and you know I mean that - and then I’ll pick you up by the sky car terminal in an hour and a half? Then we can take a much deserved nap.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Good.” Shepard stood up, hand at the ready for Liara to pull herself up with.

“Shepard?”

“Hm?”

With quick movements, and a strength Shepard didn’t think Liara had in her, the asari raised her hands and grabbed the collar of her shirt before pulling her down, dropping her pale pink lips perfectly to blue ones.

The moment passed by them slowly as lips caressed each other, re-learning lines and scales that had been a long time touched. They stayed together like that, Liara sitting down by the greenery as Shepard held on the railing, body dropping forward and relishing in the taste of a loved one.

“Hmmm.” the human hummed, a smile building on her licked lips. “I think the matriarch at the bar is going to kill me anyways.”

Liara laughed at that, they had discussed back then that the appearance of Aethyta was a surprise - but upon remembering the fateful shadow broker video of the matriarch staring at Liara’s picture - it made sense for Shepard to always feel eyes at the back of her head - not dangerous, but just as terrifying whenever she was at the commons.

* * *

"Hey you. You haven't paid." The voice startled her as the elevators door halted in their closing and a blue hand shot in the middle, the doors opened, and the matriarch that was going to skin her alive entered with her. 

"Uh.. I'm pretty sure I did - for me and the asari I'm with."

If Aethyta could look any more pissed at her, as if she had just thrown up on her bar back in Illium - this was it. "Don't be glib with me, spectre. You know what I mean."

"I... I kinda do, but I'm a little bit scared of my answer and I really don't want Liara to you know, learn that her father is going to strangle me."

"I'm going to do more than strangle you kid - are you actually serious about my daughter?" Aethyta's voice sounded just as strangled as she said the word 'daughter' but the threat was practiced and was obviously true. Something that Shepard was sure Aethyta had actually done quite a lot of times in her possible one thousand years of living.

Shepard almost missed the beat- "Of course I am."

"And the Justicar? The 'I'm in love with Justicar Samara' fiasco on Illium? Is that just some fancy or are you having this asari fetish? Cause if it is, I'm gonna have to ask you to let go of this particular asari, Shepard. You're a spectre, I'm sure there's tons of other asari or whatever eager to fawn at your feet. Leave this one alone."

Shepard couldn't help but wince remembering that moment. A moment where everything was just actually peaceful and easy rather than a minefield she needed to take care of stepping on.

"Can't a person be in love with two people in their lifetimes? I'm with Liara now - not the justicar and"

"But do you want her to?"

"Sorry I want what?"

"The justicar, do you still want to the justicar to be with you?"

"I..." Too late, a fraction, a breath too late- Aethyta had her answer and Shepard was unable to defend herself when the elevator dinged and opened at the embassies. 

The matriarch's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I don't really care about the justicar, or you and your fancies spectre - but if even I learn that you hurt Liara because of this fancy of yours, I'll throw you to the reapers myself."

The elevators fully opened, and Javik was waiting for her, all four eyes narrowed in annoyance. "You are late Commander."

* * *

Three things were surprising that afternoon, it left Shepard feeling accomplished - almost forgetting the scare she got with Liara's father earlier.

One, she only needed one more hurdle to get General Oraka out of Aria's back. 

Two, Liara did actually finish her meal and only did one report for her broker files.

Three, Liara was asleep beside her, soft well deserved snores flitting under the blankets where the top of her crest bobbed up and down with every breath.

Although Shepard didn't feel the need to take a nap, she stayed beside Liara anyways, making sure that unless they were an hour away from Tuchanka to do the little request Primarch Victus asked of her, Liara can fully recuperate to be able to fight with her planet side. 

With Garrus, Edi and James ready to go at anytime, Javik integrating better battle wise if not personal wise with the team- and Liara resting to get back in fighting shape, she had more than enough energy for the next few missions.

* * *

Scratch that, it looks like she wasn't going to have any energy left to even lift a shockwave. 

Just as the team - finally with Liara beside her was able to rescue Tarquin and actually make krogan's-lives-a-little-better happen, Shepard had to come into the ship and deal with four other new visitors with various demands. It was a good thing that Victus was busy with his son and Wrex was busy with Mordin regarding needles and Eve, because as much as she enjoyed interacting with this particular alien species was just as bad on the brain when she had to listen to another set of inter-racial bickering.

"So let me get this straight, you decided to hit a perfectly peaceful group of geth - because a geth-quarian war was the best thing to do when we all know the reapers were coming?" 

"The geth would have shot us eventually Commander, we knew that this was the perfect time to finally take our homeworld back." Gerrel booked no excuse for his actions. Not that there was any to give. He had been a staunch supporter of making sure the geth were wiped out in the first place.

"The perfect time to turn our civllians into casualties Gerrel? Can you even hear yourself?"

Daro'Xen's voice added into the disarray, "Now Koris, it was a decision made by -"

"A decision that shouldn't have been made in the first place - and now---"

The continuing barrage of quarian voices found Shepard in a daze. Thankfully, Raan was able to put a stop to it with one simple request.

"Can you help us Commander? There is time before the next attack is supposed to happen."

"Disable the geth dreadnought- right? I think I can have--"

"Not to worry, there is someone here who has been meaning to help out."

Shepard raised her eyes from the meeting area - towards the doorway- and from there, a smile finally lit up her face.

"Shepard."

"Tali!"

* * *

"I'm sorry that the quarian admirals can be.... disagreeable." Tali voiced out by the mess hall, far away from the ears of the quarians who are no doubt still continuing to bicker in the meeting room table. Thankfully, whenever they had one of their little debates, they all agreed to stay in the meeting area as to not disturb the other dignitaries that had work to do by the terminals.

"Are you adding yourself to that list, Tali?"

"Are you saying i'm disagreeable, Shepard?"

The laugh that escaped the two of them was a good reprieve. It was great to have Tali on board, and no doubt Garrus would soon follow, if he didn't know already. It might not have been obvious to the turian, but it was obvious enough to others that Tali was interested in her fellow dextro.

"How are you Shepard?" the quarian asked, a simple enough sentence that wrapped a heavier load.

Shepard shrugged non-committedly "As good as it can be -which given the circumstances not very much."

"Have you heard from the others?"

"Others, like from Cerberus?"

"Yes, apart from Garrus I'm sure, Joker is surprisingly still bad at keeping any news in tight reign."

"Not as much as I'd like." Shepard said, the air hung heavy between them - Tali knew how much the Cerberus team meant to Shepard, much more maybe than the first Normandy team.

"It's amazing how I actually miss them - even the bickering between Miranda and Jack." Tali added, trying to make things a little lighter for both of them.

"I'm sure after hearing the admirals go on about their own fights, Miranda and Jack might be more peaceful to listen to fight - or maybe not - the biotic fight is never going to pretty."

Tali chuckled, and a better silence filled them. For a quiet moment, Tali stirred her drink, it took Shepard a wave of her hand to get Tali to look at her.

"Come on, you can ask if you wanted to." Shepard knew Tali had a gossip streak, and it was best to give her friend the easy way out.

"You and Liara --- together?"

"Yeah. Ha. Joker can never really keep a secret can he?"

"Was it even a secret?"

"Well no... It isn't. Still. It's alright, you would have found out eventually."

"But what about---?"

Shepard had to shake her head at that, unwilling for Tali to go on. 

"She isn't here anyways. No sense on dwelling on the past." Shepard looked longingly at the cup of tea in her hands, a memory passing by her before she visibly shook her head - it didn't to do dwell.

A silence stretched in between them, but Tali being ever the quarian had to break the moment by asking four simple words, four simple words that ended up as a heavy loaded question. "But are you happy?

The spectre could only give a hark of a laughter -deciding to quip a joke rather than answer outright. "Don't let Liara hear you ask those things, she has eyes and here everywhere."

"Speaking of eyes and ears, Garrus said you met Liara's dad and had a face off. Is that true?"

That took Shepard aback - and just in time as the main battery's door opened and Garrus stepped outside - his mandibles wide open - making it obvious he had heard what Tali said.

"I can't believe you've said everything Garrus - and it hasn't even been a few minutes since Tali got here!" No matter how much she loved the turian, it was obvious Garrus was never going to have a good poker face.


	9. Time Is Running Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to Bomb. Bomb. Nuke. Bomb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think i'm getting the hang of writing again. This is a lot smoother than how I racked my brain for the previous two chapters (which is some of the weakest ones i've made :( ). 
> 
> Which admittedly I hope to edit to something better when I'm able to.
> 
> I'm really proud of this chapter XD hahaha

There was barely any distinguishable star as the frigate sped by quickly, jumping from one mass relay to another as soon as they were able. She had never traveled this fast before. Not even when she clocked the fastest in University on their space flight tests. There was a sense of trained urgency that she had never experienced - and boy did it pump her up. Nothing was going to go wrong - and this would be one of her biggest accomplishments. 

“How long?” she asked her superior, voice shaking out of excitement.

Green eyes darted towards her, shaking her head and giving a ‘tsk’ at how youth tended to be. “At least an hour.”

“How long has it been since the signal?” She needed to stand up, move around - there were so many things to get ready before, but she had already checked her biotics and guns enough times.

Deliberately her older of them kept herself mum for a few seconds, teasing the younger one to temper her excitement. “Twenty minutes.”

“What do you think it is?” A question. A question that maybe could answer the urgency they were in.

A shrug was her answer. “I don’t know. But the Conclave said this is of the utmost urgency. All hands on deck of the best of the best.”

“Glad to be part of the best.” A grin came, toothy, wide… youth.

“You say that now - don’t get cocky though. Lots of recruits don’t get through their first assignment.”

“Not a lot of recruits are like me.”

“You’ve always got guts kid. That’s gonna take you far.”

Mhairi blushed, quickly she schooled her giddy smile into a grin. Not only was she going on the first assignment she has ever been in - but one where she was assigned to the battle team. 

* * *

“Any contact Alessa? We should have gotten information by now.” Mhairi watched the green eyes enveloped in concern, frustration. Just a few more minutes they would get there. No need for the green eyes to be so.

“No ma’am. No contact from Team Argo or Trinidad. Everything is radio silence.” came the voice from the cockpit.

“That’s impossible. They wouldn’t fall prey to them that easily. None of them would.” She heard her words pass gritted teeth. The hour earlier ticked until the minutes were bearable to wait. But as her excitement was to be met sooner, the more the green eyes furrowed - the more restless the crew was. As if her excitement seeped to them and turned into fear.

Alessa stammered behind the cockpit. “I- it could be something else.”

“Something like what!” Mhairi whipped her head. It was the first time she heard her superior shout. It wasn’t the same one she would hear when fighting or disciplining. It was something very foreign. 

“Ma’am… Look.”

It didn’t take long for the frigate to reach the planet, but even from space it was obvious- in the most habitable area of the planet - a stark spot wrapped in the blanket of night.

The garden world of Lessus was burning.

* * *

A round of well deserved drinks were served between friends in the port observation, Tali was finally able to persuade Wrex to have a round with them - normally it didn't take a lot of coaxing for their old friend to join, but with how dignitaries had to stay dignified, it took a lot of pleading - and a bottle of the finest Ryncol made just to have Wrex give in.

"I mean it. I can take a whole barrel of this. No headache or hangover or whatever you weaklings call it." Wrex burped as he defended himself from another of Garrus' jabs. Not that the turian was doing well either, doing his best not to make his one glass of wine into a whole liter. The little get together was due to a job well done - a well deserved pat among each other given how far they've come, not to get asswiped into tomorrow because they couldn't shoot properly anymore.

Shepard leaned back, nursing the drink in her hand, - one drink, one round of drink whenever they accomplished a major task. One toast for every hardship they endured and every chance they had to survive. One get together - a get together that grew from just her and Liara - to extend to their dextro friends and favorite krogan grandfather - and soon more of them.

The redhead watched the three of them laugh, Liara was running late -as she usually tended to be - but even so, she appreciated that the Shadow Broker never let a Toast Night pass without giving in to one little drink as well.

"Soon enough - hopefully Kaidan will join us. Right Shepard?" Garrus asked, prodding the commander with his toe from the adjacent sofa. The small movement got Shepard attention, inching herself forwards, elbows on her knees as she nodded her head - "Of course. Then we can have everyone join in eventually. I know James has been itching to know what this secret little meeting is."

"Keelah. Did you really tell him we're doing a book club?" Tali said, her hand easily hitting Garrus' shoulder out of building laughter. "I almost lost it and laughed at his face - thank your gods that quarians have helmets!"

This caused Wrex to guffaw, spilling a bit of ryncol from his glass, earning a small moue of disappointment from the turian in front of him who really didn't want any drop of ryncol to waste - especially since this round was from his credits. "Boy really believed that bullshit? I mean. Reading. In the bar -not even in the room directly in front of this - the one with an actual library?" Wrex continued to huff with laughter, earning Garrus and Tali a small sideward glance to Shepard who met their eyes but turned away just as fast- bringing her own glass to her lips in an effort to shield her eyes from her friends.

Unknown to him why quiet had settled, Wrex turned to Shepard to ask a question. "Why is that place always closed anyways? Only time I was able to enter was to get away from all that quarian infighting. Only good quarian is one being chased by varre- ouch!" Wrex huffed a growl building just as Tali gave him swat on the knee.

"Hey!" the only quarian in the room cried, indignant. 

The krogan shrugged, a small chuckle escaping him at the obvious outburst. Undeterred, he continued. "Noticed the blast doors were closed too? What gives? Would be nice to see space that didn't involve listening to Joker's attempts at krogan jokes or mingling with some drunk crewman here. Thought Edi just didn't want me in, but Victus wasn't able to get in after using the little men's room either." 

Shepard was saved from answering a question she wasn't ready to face when the port door opened and entered Liara - a concern on her brow as her hand kept clicking rapidly on the datapad in front of her.

"Liara-" Shepard greeted, a chastise almost on her voice. "Didn't we tell you - you should be bringing a glass here and not work?" 

"That's right T'Soni, it's only for an hour or two. Have relax. Kick fun. Back up." Wrex drawled - another burp coming from him.

The asari continued her furrow- but didn't miss the chance to sit perfectly across Shepard's lap, her back towards the armchair and legs extended towards the end of the sofa. Automatically, Shepard draped her hand on the arm rest- curving just enough to envelop the asari in a hug as her other arm settled on blue thighs, the drink in her hand perfectly balanced between her fingers.

"Anything wrong?" Shepard murmured against the nearby skin, her breath tickling the scales on the neck. It caused Liara to momentarily shiver and relax, but did not let up from typing along her datapad. 

Tali was the first to pipe up, her voice making it obvious that eyes were being rolled at Liara's obvious breaking of the 'no work, just chill' rules. Before she could speak, Garrus shook his head, stopping the quarian with a talon on the knee. With a cock of his head, he signaled Tali to watch. A small smile gracing his turian features.

"Hey." the human under her whispered, she could feel the soft warm breath tickle her neck, and the faint scent of alcohol on Shepard was just as intoxicating to her as if she was drinking straight from the bottle. Liara internally sighed, her body obviously relaxing at the little movements her beloved did - touching, caressing, whispering - all the little intimate details she appreciated given that she was busy. She knew she promised her friends that there would be no work at this time - but there was a code she needed to crack, a code that took all of two days, three hours and eight minutes - hopefully no more - to decode. She was so near she could taste it.

Sweet sweet victory was obtained when the datapad released a tune- a familiar tune to all those who know of the Shadow Broker - Liara had set the tune whenever a lock was decoded - and it had always brought a little pavlovian response of glee when heard. 

"So, I guess a reward is warranted?" Shepard asked, quickly putting the datapad away, throwing it lightly towards the end of the sofa and switching it with a wine glass in Liara's arms. With a gleeful smile, so reminiscent of the innocence Liara had - still has - the asari quickly drank the half glass of wine before throwing her arms around the spectre, pressing her body close and giving the redhead a deep kiss.

Adjacent them, Wrex's lips pursed in admiration. "Huh. So - this - this thing they're doing - do they do this every time you guys go drinking?" 

It was Garrus' turn to shake with laughter. "Oh well... yes. I guess it is." Garrus and Tali were used to Shepard and Liara's obvious public display of affection, so far they deserve it- heck they all deserve it and as far as he and Tali were concerned, what was in the room was as private as it could be. They were all friends anyway - and adults- as much as Wrex is a thousand and Liara was technically... really young for her kind. The turian finished the drink in his hand, the starting smile earlier gracing his lips again, earning a curious look from Tali. 

Garrus had always been concerned for his human friend, his best friend, his idol and even a little tiny bit of a crush. From Wrex's earlier question regarding the starboard observatory, it was obvious his friend still had feelings of longing for a different asari. It was why the observatory was always kept under close lock and key. At least from Edi. Not even Tali was able to remove the encryption the Normandy AI placed on the door.

_"Edi, you have to keep this locked. I'm sure Shepard would understand if we explain it to her when she wakes up." Garrus said, his voice hitching in slight despair as he carefully carried a sleeping Shepard from the middle of the room._

_Edi - useful as she was in robot form helped the turian by carrying Shepard's other half. "I understand that Shepard finds peace in this room, why would there be a need to ... lock it?"_

_Garrus' sub vocals thrummed. He was never good with emotions and articulating them - so he didn't know how much he could say for the AI to understand. But given that this was the third night Shepard fell asleep in the Observatory and not in her room or Liara's - Garrus knew his friend was digging in cloudy waters._

_"It's not... it's not about peace. It's about moving on." The turian said, gritting his teeth at the obvious weight Shepard had, a weight that Edi seemed to have no struggle with._

_"What do you mean 'moving on'?"_

_'Curse synthetic minds.' thought Garrus as he racked his brain for a good answer. "You know....like, let's say you bust an arm -"_

_"Then I would repair it."_

_"No I mean.. yes. I mean, your arm, you can't. It's gone for good. So you need a new arm. That's what Shepard needs, a new arm."_

_"I fail to see the connection with arms. Shepard seems to have hers all intact." Edi observed, twisting herself to hold Shepard's lower body with only one hand, holding the balls of Shepard's feet as the other robotic hand pressed the elevator to head up._

_Garrus made a face of disbelief and almost dropped the sleeping commander. Edi was able to carry Shepard with just one hand! Here he was hauling the human's ass when Edi could have just as easily carried her with a pinky._

_Garrus waited for the elevator to close - he knew that if there was one place Glyph wasn't able to hear, it was the elevators - something about weak signals. "I meant to say. Shepard misses... Samara." Even though Garrus knew that he wouldn't be heard, he couldn't help but whisper the justicar's name._

_"Yes. I have noticed. She has spoken the name as if in reverence quite a number of times ever since ---"_

_The door of the elevator dinged, and Garrus was ready to leave until the door opened and a purple helmet faced him._

_"Oh..."_

_"Going down?" Tali asked, a skeptical look coming from her body language - moreso about Garrus and Edi holding an unconscious Shepard. "We aren't doing some sort of mutiny like throwing Shepard out the airlock right? I don't think---"_

_Garrus quickly made a face, his teeth gritting in urgency as he cocked his head for Tali to get in the elevator._

_When the door closed, he released a breath. "I didn't know the elevator was going down! Edi - how --- Now we have to pass up again!"_

_"Yeee-ees Garrus. That is typically what an elevator does. Bringing people up and down - the next is cargo, which I hope Shepard is more of the former than the latter." Tali said sarcastically._

_"Ha - ha Tali very funny, we're talking about -- you know who -- and you know Glyph listens to these keywords... so hush and let ---" Garrus' words died down when the elevator dinged back into the third floor- and worry alerted him, his mandibles fluttering at the realization that Liara could have heard Tali's words of Shepard- it could have signaled Glyph to tell Liara - then Liara would be in front of the elevator waiting for them - then he'd get caught then ---_

_The elevator dinged again - and the turian let out a strangled sound of surprise and relief when the familiar wall of the captain’s cabin greeted them._

_“I hacked the elevator so it went down, I was very hungry. Hacked it again so we’d go up - I think you wanted to pass the third floor unseen right?”_

_The next morning- he made it a point to actually talk to Shepard, get her mind out of the cloudy waters and keep her head where it belonged._

_First thing after the mission, he talked to Shepard - Edi with him - for back up. So far he did the talking - unsuccessfully, as Edi turned into an observer._

_“I don’t think you understand Shepard.” Garrus tried to say, his voice straining - unused as he was to talk about sensitive topics._

_“Understand what Garrus? I’m perfectly fine. Now why don’t we open this nice little room so I can meditate in peace? Don’t I deserve that? Heck don’t we deserve that? Y’know you can stop calibrating sometimes and maybe meditate with me?” Shepard scratched the back of her nape, a trait Edi learned that humans do when uncomfortable and ‘looking for a way out of a situation’._

_Garrus frowned, his voice stopping to strain as he realized he could make a point right here right now. “You’re not meditating Shepard. You’re probably sleeping and moping or whatever it is you do there.”_

_Sharp green eyes stared back at the turian - though Shepard's voice stayed clear albeit a little bit deeper than usual. “You don’t... you’re not even sure what I do there in the first place.”_

_This time, Edi watched Garrus’ mandibles flutter, and a tick in the turian’s right leg started twitching, as if wanting to raise and click on the floor but was halted._

_“I know that what you’re doing is digging deeper into some place you shouldn’t be in - in the first place." Garrus pointed out._

_Shepard scoffed, her movements indicating that she was starting to also run out of patience. “That doesn’t even make sense- you --”_

_Edi decided that this was a good time to intervene. She did not know much yet about organics, but the brewing disagreement was similar to the times pairs of organics would start a fight - at least that was what her memory remembered from her time shackled in Cerberus._

_“Shepard. I believe what Garrus wants to say is that you are already aiming for …" even she had to take a while to find the right terms. If there was something she understood, it was that the situation needed tact- more than emotion. But it still needed the same emotion in a good amount to work. "--- a very improbable task of saving the galaxy again - even though I also believe in your capabilities, very much so - wouldn’t striving for two very improbable instances be too much?”_

Back in the present, Garrus watched the PDA between Liara and Shepard subside, this left the two lovers giggling and being sweet all over each other. Edi was right, whatever her words were to Shepard worked- and although Shepard had never lost her moping streak every now and again, there was an obvious fight in the human’s eyes that the reapers came first. That the stress of putting both the galaxy and emotional ties were too much to handle. It also helped that the lessened moping made Shepard actually appreciate the one pining for her more. Everyone was happy. 

Ever since that day, Garrus knew that Shepard had started getting better- the first few times had the spectre stare at the observatory door, until the staring became longing glances, until it almost totally vanished apart from a few triggering memories. Group drinks and other little out of battle moments helped to alleviate Shepard of her feelings.

To appreciate what was in front of her now.

He hadn’t seen Liara happier- almost similar to how the asari smiled and laughed during their first year in the Normandy, as if a school girl crush finally having the apple of their eye ask them to their first cadet march. That goes the same for Shepard, it seemed the redhead was actually enjoying now, willingly spending time with others - if this continued - then there was really nothing to worry about.

“So what were you working on? You kept us waiting and more after all.” Shepard teased the beauty on top of her, nudging the blue chin with the top of her head to look backwards to the trio who was half busy talking to each other and giving them space.

"I received a message from the asari councilor." Liara started, moving to a more - appropriate position but stayed on the human’s lap.

“You mean. You intercepted?” Tali laughed doing little air quotes - noticing that the little kissing session was finished and they could continue their little get together. 

Liara grinned “Well. Yes intercepted but” --- she bent forwards to get the datapad again, stopped by Shepard when the redhead used her own hand to grab the datapad which was nearer to her. This made Liara’s grin turn into a bashful smile and a chaste kiss was given, leaving Wrex to groan.

Liara turned towards the datapad, her smile quickly fading. When all the blue was metaphorically drained for Liara’s face, and her fingers started to tremble, it was Shepard who instantly threw the now empty glass to the side of the sofa, quickly her lightly alcohol foggy brain standing in alert and she instantly enveloped Liara into a protective embrace.

“What is it?” there was a soft trace of the sweetness, most of it was the cold steel usually reserved when on the battlefield.

“Goddess….” Liara could only breathe.

Tali stood up, almost hitting Garrus’ knees just to get behind Liara and reading the information that was flashing on the datapad. “Keelah…” she breathed, causing the two men behind her to also stand up on high alert.

“That’s why the asari couldn’t help us.” Wrex said thoughtfully, rolling his shoulders back to give his body a little bit of life. It seemed like sleep wouldn’t be an option tonight. “Like throwing pyjaks to unknown slaughter.”

> To: Councilor Tevos  
> Asari Councilor on the Citadel
> 
> _/Cannot Retrieve Information/_
> 
> Team Argo and Team T*tain* are unresponsive.
> 
> _/Cannot Retrieve Information/_
> 
> We have Team Trini**d on the ready to breach the world within the hour. If we do not get information within thirty minutes of T**nidad being in the area, we will be deploying two more of our teams as precaution as agreed.
> 
> _/Information Redacted/_
> 
> We are respectfully asking the Conclave if it is possible to halt the sending of our commandos. The Argo are our best scouts and Tri*ida* have our best soldiers on the field, they are the worth of five teams each and we fear what lies in *e***s.
> 
> _/Cannot Retrieve Information/  
>  /Information Redacted/  
> /Cannot Retrieve Information/  
> _
> 
> I am respectfully pleading for your assistance to commence with Project **** and eradicate the area.
> 
> We cannot let more of our soldiers to uncertainty.
> 
> From: Matriarch Anora,   
> Governor-Matriarch of the Finest Asari Commando Teams in Asari Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: yes i borrowed a few names from the beloved Bioware hahaha. It's hard to think of names ending with vowels. So yeah fun XD


	10. First Cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fast chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small death included.

“Did you get all the details?” Shepard asked, she was back with Liara in the broker terminals - where Glyph and Tali were helping with information and decoding. Liara was on hold in one of her calls from her agents that she really wasn’t able to hold both conversations at once and proceeded to ignore Shepard.

Tali dropped the datapad on the table, a scoff ready on her throat as she picked said datapad again. “Keelah! That’s one tough code and I’m only on nineteen percent decoding. Didn’t think the asari have their tech this advanced. Liara - do you think---” Tali moved her head to face a Liara who was still busy in one of her calls. For all of the asari’s ramrod straight posture to the frown that started on her face, Tali released the scoff and moved to address Shepard - it was obvious there was no talking to Liara at this rate. “So Shepard, do you think that--- hey… Shepard?” The quarian rolled her eyes, it looked like there was no way to talk to Shepard too, not when the concern was written all over the human’s face as green eyes stared at the back of the asari broker.

Even though Tali wasn’t fully on board with the whole Liara x Shepard partnership - when they were both unable to be conversed like so - it looked like they would make a perfect hard headed pair. Idly she wondered if she should let an innocent little sutra or justicar code slip up - just under her breath. Knowing Shepard - it might get a rise from her, and knowing Liara… well, maybe that wasn’t a good idea at all.

Her thinking - and everyone else’s busy looks stopped when Edi’s voice floated in the room. Normally the heads turned up as if hearing from a speaker, but when the XO door opened and Edi’s synthetic body walked in - face filled with just the same concern Shepard all three of them looked at their visitor.

“Edi-” Shepard was the first to stand up, Liara had only acknowledged Edi in the slightest from a quirk of her eyes before going back to her call.

“Shepard. I’m afraid there is something of utmost importance you shall have to see.” For a synthetic voice, Tali could hear the inflections of pain from Edi - easily more than what the former hologram already had.

Tali watched Shepard swerve her head towards Liara - then to her, as if looking for permission. The quarian knew she had a job to do, and leaving Liara alone seemed dangerous. Plus she might get a few good information from the Shadow Broker to help the fleet too. She gave her best friend a shrug of assent before watching the human turn around, not even a goodbye to her girlfriend.

* * *

Shepard and Edi rode the elevator towards the Captains Cabin, curiously Shepard turned to look at her companion. “What’s going on? I’m sure I’ve fed the fish. I didn’t even go into the Observatory this time… or something. I didn’t sleep walk did I?” she asked, a little nervous at why Edi of all people - synthetics seemed to be carrying such a heavy weight on her shoulders.

Edi turned towards the human as they stepped inside the captain's cabins. “Shepard, you know that I am in tune with all life signs in the Normandy, correct?”

“Yeah.” Shepard said slowly as she looked at her aquarium. There seemed to be no difference in the amount of fishes - no cannibalism happening - and there weren't any floating fishes as well. “Seems everything is fine though. Do… do you need a tuning or something?” the human asked, turning her shoulder to look backwards.

The synthetic AI looked perplexedly at the human before shaking her head with quiet, deliberate movements. Edi picked up the cage from the desk shelving. From that movement alone, something in Shepard’s heart dropped.

The thud in her heart was testament enough to the realization that there was indeed something of utmost importance to be seen.

“I am sorry Shepard.”

Shepard felt the first stinging of tears in her nostrils, it clutched her heart just as she slowly- and carefully picked up the little ball of fluff in the glass cage.

The body was still warm.

But it was obviously unmoving. 

“He died in his sleep.” 

The human gritted her teeth, suddenly feeling a wave of sadness that she couldn’t understand. A choked laugh escaped her - just in time for the first wave of tears to fall.

“Did he really die in his sleep?” She didn’t face the AI.

Edi kept her composure still, swinging her body just enough to turn and place the cage back on the table. 

“Yes.”   
  
There was no reason for her - for an AI to lie after all.

But for some reason, Shepard couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that maybe the death was unnatural. That it was her fault. Did she feed him enough? Did she play with him enough? Was it the lights? Did she leave the lights too long? Maybe she missed giving Space Boi his daily vitamins? 

Shepard didn’t know how, but when she heard her door open, she realized she was now sitting on her chair rocking the little ball of fluff near her chest as dry streaks of tears coated her cheeks., Edi was still standing at the same position- but respectfully looking away, from underneath her lashes, a striking blue colored hand enveloped hers.

“Shepard.”

Liara. It was Liara.

“He’s dead.”

“I know. I’m sorry Shepard. He was with us from the start right?”

“He was my first pet… ha…” A fresh wave of tears erupted and Shepard wailed, a small death triggering the fears she had for herself, for her team, and for the inevitable future.

“I heard Earth-Hamsters don’t live that long. Edi said he died in his sleep?” Liara asked, her voice soft and caring - once again switching back to the voice that Shepard had known longer and had started falling for.

The human moved to wipe her tears away. “Normally three years?”

“Well hasn’t our good Space Boi been with us from the first Normandy? It’s already been three years. Maybe it was time?”

“Maybe. But it doesn’t make it any less painful Liara. Some space hamsters live longer now too.”

“I know it doesn’t. I’m sorry. Come. How would you want to… lay him to rest?”

“I haven’t thought about it.” Shepard stood up and picked up an Alliance handkerchief from her drawer, gingerly, she tucked Space Boi inside, making sure that he was undisturbed and given a comfortable resting place. 

Liara moved to follow, she had just ended one of her more frustrating talks with half a dozen of her asari agents that were routed around Citadel and beyond, and since the call ended with only a small lead, she couldn’t fully share the pain that Shepard had unleashed upon herself.

The asari patiently watched Shepard tuck the hamster into the cloth then back into the glass cage. Her omnitool vibrated and upon checking, Glyph had sent her the rest of the message - decoded. She was snapped out of her reading as Shepard spoke again.

“Come on, I’ll have Edi quarantine him and put him in cryo - at least until we can find a garden world to bury him in. I’m sure he’d like that.”  
  
Walking behind Shepard, Liara followed suit, wondering how long she could give Shepard time to grieve until they finally started to move.   
  
There wasn't much need to cryo - they were headed towards a garden world soon enough.  
  
They needed to head towards that specific garden world.  
  
Fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the thing. I know the story felt a little rocky here - even though it technically should have been a juicy chapter already.
> 
> But I wanted to give a special chapter to our first pets, gone but never forgotten. My Shepard's very first pet would be the space hamster. Sure I'mma headcanon family pets, but the one that's their own? 
> 
> It's Space boi.
> 
> Why did I do this? Well. I just lost my little guinea boy two days ago after trying and failing to nurse him back to health. He died on the day we were to visit the vet again (7 days from the first time). The evening / day before he died, he was jumping, alert, moving around my whole room - where it took him four days to get used to the new quarantine area. So it did come as a shock... waking up to well... sadness. I realized somewhere along the road it's obviously my fault.... 
> 
> It's been an empty two days. 
> 
> On a good more fanfiction note- it gives the pair a bit more distance. It's going to be a hustle after all once we do park in Lessus. Plus the death helps establish some of Shepard's ongoing fears - a life is a life. No matter how small. Given that Space Hamster is special af... well, it's something.
> 
> And... after all, Tuchanka hasn't been done yet.

**Author's Note:**

> So... I didn't expect to be writing such a... negative Shepard. But I couldn't make it go any other way. 
> 
> Even as I work on my other comedic fanfics, the negative Shepard had been tugging at me and making me unable do anything else.
> 
> All I can say is Shepard has a lot of hang-ups, and a lot of fears, magnified here compared to in game, i'm not good with these emotions being shared outright, so I hope despite it that her plight can be understood.
> 
> \--- I also want to send a small sorry to those who might find my representation of Liara... different. It will get better, but for now it will be problematic because that's how the story goes. Looking back, even in the first story she was already very attached to Shepard, but never pushed to be anything - now she has the time and resources to be that something, so yeah i'm working on it from that angle.


End file.
